What The
by Ponga500
Summary: Brian and Justin deal with tragic news.


**WHAT THE…?**

**CHAPTER 1**

The small living area of the cabin was dimly lit with votive candles. A fire was going in the fireplace and the smell of spiced apples filled the air. Brian breathed in the scent of the cabin and walked into the spare bedroom grabbed a large down comforter and a few pillows and sat them on the floor in front of the fire. He then scattered rose pedals all over the dining room table, and then lit some vanilla spice votives and placed them in the center of the table. He put out the fine china and opened a bottle of Justin's favorite red wine giving it time to breathe.

Justin went in to the bathroom tossed some water on his face and slipped on his robe. He noticed the bruises that were on his arms and chest. He didn't think that he and Brian had fucked that hard that afternoon, but brushed the bruising aside as a really hard fuck and hard work at the diner. He then walked out of the bedroom and smiled at Brian when he saw how much work he had gone through with dinner.

"Hey, I thought you were never going to wake up" Brian whispered when he saw Justin walk around the corner into the living room.

"Yeah, I guess I've been working to hard, I just feel a little run down," Justin replied stifling a yawn.

"Well that's what this weekend is all about, you, me, and recovering from all the stress in our lives. Now come eat," Brian said smiling at the young man standing in front of him. He hadn't realized how tired Justin had been lately until they had gotten to the cabin and all Justin had done when they weren't fucking was sleep, and the dark circles under his eyes were a dead giveaway that he was still exhausted.

The two men ate dinner comfortably feeding one another, and whispering words of care and compassion. By the time they had finished eating they were both extremely turned on and made there way to the front of the fireplace. They both enjoyed this setting the best when it came to sex because it was passionate, but still had that rough rustic feel. Justin began to run his hands along Brian's neck. He proceeded to pull his wife beater over his head and continue to caress Brian's chest. Brian reached over and untied Justin's robe allowing it to fall to the ground. That's when he noticed the bruising on Justin's arms and chest.

"Jus," he gasped, "What the fuck happened to you?"

"Bri, its nothing just hard work and we might have been a little rough last night. They don't hurt," Justin replied kissing Brian deeply trying to take his mind off the bruising that he had just seen, and it seemed to work because they both sunk into the pillows allowing themselves to be overtaken with passion.

Later that evening Brian awoke shivering. The fire had died down in the fireplace so he slipped on his sweats went and grabbed a couple of logs and tossed them on the fire. He then went and grabbed a quilt from the spare bedroom. He quietly lay back down next to Justin covering them both with the quilt. As he lay there watching the young man sleep he couldn't get the bruises he had seen earlier out of his mind, and as he traced circles along his back he noticed some larger purple splotches along his spine. He knew that this was something more than hard work and rough sex. As he snuggled up against Justin he whispered softly, "What aren't you telling me, and who or what is hurting you?"

The next morning Brian awoke to the sounds of hoarse coughing coming from their bathroom. He walked in and found Justin standing over the sink trying to catch his breath. In the light, he could also see the deep bruises that were along his arms, chest, and back. There dark circles under Justin's eyes were much more pronounced than they had been the day before, and that concerned Brian because Justin had slept almost twenty four hours straight.

"Hey" Justin replied with a rough tinge to his voice.

"Hey, are you getting sick?"

"I think its just allergies; after all we did sleep on the floor last night."

"Yeah, maybe we should get a shower so the steam will help your cough then I'll get your allergy medicine out of our bags." Justin nodded at that and both men got in the shower taking time just to hold one another. Justin was so exhausted that he could barely stand so Brian washed him then carried him to bed. He grabbed Justin's allergy medicine then went to the kitchen and grabbed some orange juice and took them both back to Justin. He hadn't been gone but ten minutes at the most, but Justin was already asleep so Brian stroked his cheek rousing him slightly in order for him to take his medicine and drink the orange juice.

Once Justin was settled on the bed Brian went and grabbed a book and lay next to his partner. He attempted to read, but kept looking at Justin. There was no mistaking that something was wrong with his young lover, and as soon as they got back into the Pitts, he was going to go to the doctor to get checked out.

One week after Justin and Brian had gotten back from vacation they sat in Dr. Connor's office. The first couple of days after they had gotten back from their vacation Justin had not gotten any better and Brian had finally insisted that they go see their doctor. Dr. Connor had seemed to think that Justin had an upper respiratory infection. He had ordered some other tests to be done and both men were sitting quietly waiting to hear what those results had come up with.

"Good afternoon, Brian and Justin" Dr. Connor said smiling. Both men returned the greeting, but both kept silent hoping that they would not have to know the outcome of the test results. Dr. Connor continued, "As you both are aware last time ya'll were in here there was some concern with Justin's blood work. He seemed to have an upper respiratory infection, but with the blood results that came back his white count is elevated, but his red counts are low so he's extremely anemic. I had ordered the bone marrow aspiration to look at the reason for the elevated counts and I am afraid I have some bad news."

"Ok," Brian whispered suddenly feeling violently ill. It hadn't been much over a year since he had heard those words when it came to his own health and it really freaked him out to think that something could be seriously wrong with his Sunshine. Justin gripped his hand and breathed in deeply hoping that the nausea that was coming over him would go away.

"Justin I'm afraid that you have leukemia, cancer of the blood." With those words both men felt like their whole world was collapsing in around them.

**CHAPTER 2**

Brian's POV:

What the fuck? Did he just say cancer? This just happened to me? How can this be happening to us? He's so strong and has already been through so much. There was the bashing and then the whole fiasco with the fiddler. Then there was Cody and the damn posse. Then there was my cancer. Why did this happen to him? My eyes lock with his and I notice his fear, but besides his fear is concern for me. Even in the darkest moments of this life he has always loved me and now I need to show him and tell him that also.

Justin's POV:

What the fuck? He just told me I have cancer. Cancer that sounds so final and what about Brian he just got over his cancer. Man this world is just fucked up. Cancer, the one word that neither of us wanted to hear ever again and here it was showing its evil head once again. My eyes lock with his and I feel my fear melt away. That man questions love, but now I can finally see the love that he has for me. God I hope that I can survive this.

**CHAPTER 3**

Both men went back to the loft in silence to pack. Justin would be undergoing treatment at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center's cancer specialization hospital. The director of oncology there was a former student at Johns Hopkins so the care was going to be excellent. He was going to begin his induction phase of oral chemotherapy as soon as they met with his oncologist Dr. Shaffer, and then he would begin IV and radiation treatments in the morning.

They had called a family meeting at the diner and told their family that Justin had cancer. Brian let Ted and Cynthia know that he was only going to be coming to Kinnetic if there was a really important client and Michael told Justin not to worry about Rage that he would take care of Brett and that all he needed to do was focus on treatments and getting better. Debbie buzzed around not even really focusing on the news that she had been given but silently prayed that Sunshine was going to make it, and Jennifer was the most upset about what was happening with her son and told Brian to take care of him and if they needed anything to let her know.

The drive to the hotel outside the medical center was silent. Then men had requested that the treatments be done on an outpatient basis so Brian could be with Justin. Even though the men lived in Pittsburgh and Brian understood the side effects of cancer treatments since he had gone through them himself Dr. Shaffer insisted that they check into a room in the hotel across from the hospital that way if there were any complications Justin would be within walking distance of treatment.

Once they arrived at the hotel and went up to their suite the anxiety of the doctors' visits and the news they had been given overwhelmed Justin and he collapsed on the bed sobbing. Brian sat next to him and held him close, "Justin you're a fighter and you will make it through this. I have faith in you."

"Brian how can you have faith in me. I have cancer I'm surprised you didn't run screaming in the other direction. You just dealt with all this yourself and now you have to deal with it with me." Justin said as he continued to sob.

"Shhhh, Jus you sat by me during my treatments and even though I was stupid and kicked you out you fought for me and made me let you stay, and I'm going to return that favor. We've been through hell and back in the last year and we can do it again," Brian choked out his voice full of emotion. He knew that he needed to tell Justin just how much he cared about him but he couldn't seem to get those three words out.

"I love you Bri. Thank You," Justin sighed against his chest as the sobs subsided, "Do we have time to go eat. I know I'm going to be sick later, so I might as well eat now."

"Yeah, let's go," Brian then took Justin's hand and as they walked to the restaurant he silently hoped that his Sunshine would make it through this rough illness.

Later that evening Justin lay curled in a ball in the middle of the bed. Brian was working on some paperwork for one of his clients at Kinnetic, but was also keeping a watchful eye on his partner. Two hours before Justin had taken his first round of oral chemo and had immediately wanted to come back to the room and sleep. Brian had decided to allow him to rest and take that opportunity to catch up on some work. Justin kept his eyes closed hoping that sleep would come, but it wouldn't. He was scared and all he could think about was that if he died he would leave Brian all alone. He desperately wanted to cry and as one single tear rolled down his cheek a fitful sleep overcame him. Brian continued to look at Justin he knew the young man was struggling with his emotions and gave him some space to think. When it was obvious that he was asleep Brian gave into his one guilty pleasure. He could see the struggle in the young man's body as he slept and knew that emotional toll and physical toll the chemicals were already having was wrecking havoc on his system.

Brian must have dosed off because a few minutes later he felt a hand caress his neck and shoulders, "Hey, I thought you were working." Justin whispered.

"I couldn't concentrate. How are you feeling?"

"Nauseas, but it's not that bad I think its just nerves. The IV tomorrow is going to be the worst. Will you get me a soda from the mini bar?"

"Sure." Brian said walking over to the fridge. He grabbed a bottle of ginger ale and took it to his partner. Justin sat on the large couch that was in the suite and took a sip of the soda. He was really feeling a lot worse than he had admitted to Brian and he silently hoped that the nausea would hurry and pass. Brian helped him back to bed and climbed in next to him. They lay spooned in this position just enjoying one another's company. This was one of the most trying days of their lives and they knew that it was going to only get harder.

**CHAPTER 4**

Justin jerked awake suddenly, he was shaking and sweating and the nausea that had been mild earlier was much worse. He just knew he was going to throw up, and ran to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before he was loosing the entire contents of his stomach. He gagged and heaved until he thought he had nothing left, and he managed to grab some more ginger ale but the fizzing sensation on his throat only made things worse causing him to dry heave leaving his stomach sore and his throat raw.

Brian had intended on staying awake as much as possible in order to keep an eye on Justin, but he must have dosed off because he was awoken by Justin's hoarse coughing. Brian could tell from the sound that he was vomiting, and he quietly went and grabbed some Advil and a bottle of water and walked into the bathroom.

"Baby…" Brian's voice trailed off when he saw Justin. His skin was ashen and he was sitting on the floor in front of the toilet clutching his stomach. "Let's go back to bed."

Justin just nodded and allowed Brian to pick him up and take him back to bed. Once he was back under the covers on the bed, Brian placed a trashcan on the floor then began to stroke his shoulders and neck with a cool cloth. He ached all over, and despite feeling flushed from the vomiting, he felt like his insides were ice. This was one little oral liquid and if this made him feel horrible then how was the IV chemo going to go, and on top of that, he had to have radiation and had seen first hand how sick Brian had been.

"Thank you," he managed to croak out to Brian.

"You did the same for me Sunshine. Now just close your eyes and relax. It will help the nausea."

"Ok Bri. I love you."

"Me too" he replied, and while he watched his partner fight his silent battle he prayed to anyone that would listen for his sunshine to survive this war.

**CHAPTER 5**

The sound of the alarm ringing through the suite woke Brian with a start, he sat straight up hoping that the events that had played out were all just a dream then he became aware of his surroundings and realized that it was in fact reality. He reached over and brushed a hand across Justin's forehead causing him to stir slightly. He had been sick most of the night and had finally been able to get to sleep around four. Brian hated to wake him, but they had to be at the treatment center by eight and he knew that it was going to take a while for them to shower and even if Justin didn't feel well enough to eat he still needed to try.

"Jus," Brian whispered in his ear, and he then ran his tongue along his earlobe kissing his way down to his neck. Justin loved being woken up that way and Brian thought that even though he was probably still feeling like hell that it would be a much more pleasant way to wake up than immediately feeling like you were going to vomit.

"Hmmm" Justin moaned and Brian met his lips with a kiss, but Justin pulled back suddenly, and his eyes fluttered open.

"Bri, I can't."

"Can't what?"

"Kiss you, I spent all night throwing up I need to brush my teeth."

"Sunshine, shut up and kiss me I'm sure I've tasted worse," and with that said their lips met in a soft kiss, which suddenly turned feverish and passionate. Their tongues battled it out savoring each other's flavor until they had to part for air.

"I love you Bri," Justin whispered.

"Do you feel up to eating anything?"

"Some dry toast with some sprite or ginger ale. I'm pretty sure that that's all I'll be able to keep down."

"Ok, why don't you go get a shower, I'll take care of breakfast."

After a quick breakfast, the men both headed to the treatment center. After filling out the paperwork, going to radiation therapy, and having a brief meeting with his imaging therapist it was time for Justin to go for his first chemo treatment. Justin's eyes roamed the stark white walls of the treatment center. He was sketching to pass time and as always, his model was Brian. The older man was standing across the room sipping a cup of coffee and trying desperately to fight sleep. He had spent most of the night taking care of him while he was sick and he had gotten up early to go with him to his first round of treatments. He couldn't help but think how much he was loved. As he watched Brian, he made a mental note to do something ridiculously romantic for him as soon as his treatments were over. While he thought about what to do to show Brian how much he was loved he couldn't help but notice that his skin was on fire as the chemotherapy went in to his bloodstream. He didn't understand how something that made you feel like you were going to die was really the only thing keeping you alive. He desperately wanted to wake up from the nightmare and as he continued to look at Brian, he began to slowly drift off to sleep.

**CHAPTER 6**

Brian was lying on the bed in the hotel thankful that Justin was resting comfortably. He brushed a stray hair from his forehead and kissed him softly on the temple. He had been sick most of the afternoon after his treatment, but was fine for the moment so Brian stood up and walked into the other room. He plugged in his laptop hoping that he would be able to get a little work done, but his phone rang before he could start.

"Hello?"

"Hi Brian. How's Justin?" Jennifer Taylor asked with slight nervousness in her voice.

"Miserable. He's been nauseas for almost 24 hours. He can't eat without vomiting, and he was so sick last night that neither of us got much sleep."

"How are you holding up?"

"Okay for the most part aside from being exhausted, but I am scared out of my mind that I'm going to lose him before I can work up enough courage to tell him just how I feel. Jennifer, I'm in love with your son, and even though you and I don't always get along one thing we have in common is the love we share for Justin."

"Oh my God, Brian I have waited for you to tell me that for the last year since he moved back in with you after he got back from California."

"Thanks and Jennifer I want you to know that I will do anything for your son, and I will never hurt him. He has treatment in the morning, but if he's not to sick he might want get out of here for while so we will probably come by."

"Thank You Brian. Bye."

Once Brian stuck the phone back on the cradle he looked up and was met with Justin's warm gaze. Brian's emotions almost got the best of him. His skin was slightly ashen and his lips were dry and cracked. The blue of his eyes shone even brighter with unshed tears, and the room let up when he smiled at Brian.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey, why aren't you resting?"

"Because you can only sleep so much, and I'm feeling a little bit hungry. Do we have any more crackers or did I eat them all earlier when I was trying to stop throwing up?"

"There are plenty of saltines, and Debbie brought by some of her chicken soup if you think you can manage eating that?"

"That actually sounds good."

Brian stirred around the kitchenette and heated the soup while Justin lay curled up on the sofa watching the Power Puff Girls. They quietly exchanged glances as Brian carried two mugs of hot soup over to the coffee table and handed Justin a sleeve of crackers.

"Thanks baby" Justin said as he quietly sipped his mug of soup. It was soothing on his dry throat and seemed to warm his insides slightly, "Who was on the phone?"

Brian completely froze at that question he knew that he had told Jennifer his true feelings for Justin and didn't want to have him hear that overhearing a conversation, "Your mom. She was checking to see how you were doing. I told her that you were asleep and that if you felt up to it that we would go over there in few days."

"That sounds nice. I'll have to call Debbie and tell her thanks for the soup."

"Yeah," Brian smiled as he sat his mug down and wrapped Justin in his arms. He knew that it made the blonde feel safe and that was one thing that he enjoyed most even more than making out or having sex. Brian began nibbling on his ear working his way down to his neck, wanting nothing more than to be close to his partner. Justin leaned back into the kiss wanting nothing more than to soak up the scent of Brian. He was still weak, but he knew that he wanting nothing more than to be close to Brian. Brian ran his tongue over Justin's lips and own tongue and when they finally broke for air Brian stared deep into Justin's eyes and smiled. He knew that this was perfect, "I love you," he whispered.

Justin beamed he had wanted to hear those words for so long, and he knew that there couldn't have been a more romantic moment than that, "I love you too," he whispered crushing Brian's lips with a kiss, and that night as they made love for the first time the world seemed almost perfect.

**Chapter 7**

"Hey Love, wake up," Brian said as he slammed his hand down on the snooze button on the alarm. Last night had been spectacular. They made love until two in the morning just savoring each other's bodies, but once again it was time to go back to hell. He rolled over to face Justin and immediately knew something was wrong. Justin's skin was flushed and his breathing was ragged. "Justin?"

"Not again Brian. I'm too tired, and my head is throbbing, and I'm to cold" he replied with a thick tinge to his voice followed by a raspy cough and his whole body shook with chills.

"Jus, you have fever. Let's go to the center." Brian said quickly throwing on some sweat pants on and dressing his lover in the same. He sat Justin in the wheel chair that they had been given at the treatment center, and pushed him out the door.

Once at the center Justin had severe chills. He was immediately taken back and put on a breathing machine to help his cough and his temperature was taken and his blood drawn. He kept drifting in an out trying to stay coherent but nothing seemed to be helping. Brian was a nervous wreck and paced the floor until Dr. Shaffer showed up.

"Good Morning, Justin I think we need to admit you for a week or so."

"Why? I want to stay with Brian?" Justin asked.

"Well it looks like you have an infection, so we need to give you antibiotics and watch your blood counts closer, and we can arrange a way for Brian to stay with you."

"Ok" Justin said listlessly. All he wanted to do was sleep and tell Brian how much last night meant to him. Brian followed Dr. Shaffer into the hall and questioned him about what was going on.

"What is it?"

"Looks like pneumonia, however I am concerned with the fact that he has developed an infection so soon into treatment, and considering his history for drug allergies it could be a reaction from one of the drugs in his chemo regimen. Also, it could be a cold that he caught before he was diagnosed, and because his system was already weak due to the cancer the chemo and radiation could have just made it worse. I'm going to go make the arrangements, and I'll also make sure there is a way for you to stay with him."

"Will he be ok?" Brian replied dryly. He had finally shared his feelings of love and now he was more scared than ever of losing his lover.

"It's going to be rough, and I'm not going to lie and say yes because I don't know, but he's a fighter."

"Yeah that he is." Brian smiled knowing that Justin would fight like hell for them and his life.

**Chapter 8**

Brian sat next to Justin's bed watching him sleep. It had been a week since Justin had been admitted to the hospital. His breathing was still ragged and his skin was pale. Justin's blood work came back negative for any infection, but there was still no diagnosis as to the cause of the fever. Brian stroked the hair back from his lover's face and placed a cool cloth on his forehead. Dr. Shaffer seemed to think that the fever was being caused by an allergic reaction to one of the drugs in the chemo regimen so in order to break the fever they had to stop the drugs, and then flush his system with fluids. Because he was being given cortisone treatments for his breathing and so many fluids Justin's features were swollen and barely recognizable, and all Brian wanted to do was pick him up, take him home, and erase the last few weeks of hospitals and doctors.

"Brian? Why don't you go get something to eat? Michael's waiting outside and wanted to talk to you too. I'll stay for a while." Jennifer said as she walked into Justin's room.

"Thanks Jen, I'll be back as soon as possible." Brian replied as he walked out of the room.

"Hey Brian, how is he, and how are you?" Michael asked. He could see the many emotions written all over Brian's face and knew that if he didn't get Brian to open up the man was going to have a nervous breakdown. He had only see him this upset once when it was concerning Justin and that was the night of the bashing. He could tell that Brian felt helpless and that he was quickly loosing control.

"No change, and how do you think I feel," Brian snapped the stress of the whole situation had built up and he just started yelling at Michael, "How would you feel if it was Ben? Justin is in that room lying in a bed sick and there is nothing I can do, and then everyone keeps asking me how I am. You want to know how I feel; you can't know how I feel. The doctors don't know what's wrong and when I try to find out they just push me away. I just want it to all go away..." Brian's emotionless demeanor melted away, and he collapsed into Michael sobbing, and Michael just guided them both down to the floor and allowed his friend to cry for his lover.

**Chapter 9**

POV MICHAEL

Damn cancer, first my best friend and now his lover. I wish this disease would just stop if not for the whole world then just this little corner of it. They have both been through so much, and even though I might not have liked Justin at first the Boy Wonder has turned out to be a really good friend, and he has also helped this man sitting here have a heart. I never saw Brian have emotions before Justin. I know they love each other. Damn It, Justin better survive this.

POV JENNIFER

Leukemia, my baby boy has leukemia. He's so sick and I'm scared out of my mind. I'm glad he's not alone though. I never thought I would say this but God I am thankful for Brian Kinney. He is the one person that will keep my son fighting. When he told me he loved Justin I couldn't understand that at first. I see it now in the way that he holds my son's hand, and in the way he breaks down when with Michael. Justin baby please survive this. We all love you Brian most of all.

**Chapter 10**

"BRIAN," Justin gasped and sat straight up his breathing erratic and his body shaking as his sweat soaked through his t-shirt. Brian sat straight up in bed at the sound of Justin's cry.

"Justin? Shhh its ok," he rubbed circles on Justin's back and shoulder's soothing his fear. That's when he also realized that his fever had broken because there was sweat soaked through his clothes and sheets.

"Fuck, I thought it was all just a dream. This is really happening. Shit." Justin sighed leaning back against Brian. He knew that he had been in the hospital for a week, but everything that had been happening to him had been fuzzy, and that last truly coherent thought had been making love to Brian after Brian had told him he loved him. "What happened?"

"You had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs in the chemo, that explains why you had been so sick and that also explains the fever. They admitted you because your fever was really high and they thought that you had pneumonia, and Dr. Shaffer ended up having to detoxify your system by giving you cortisone and fluids."

"Can you help me to the bathroom? I need a shower."

Brian carried him into the bathroom, turned on the shower and gently stripped him of his soaked clothing. He buzzed the nurse to have her change the sheets and then undressed himself and got into the shower with Justin. The fever had left him weak and he was barely able to stand on his own. Brian helped him shower then helped him get dressed then carried him back to bed.

"Bri, did you tell me you love me or did I dream that?"

"Why baby?

"Well the last thing I really remember was you telling me you love me, and then we made love. We were eating chicken soup, and I had sat my mug down and you came up behind me and started kissing me, and we paused for air and your eyes locked on mine and you said I love you. It was so special and really natural. Did all that happen?"

"Yeah, all that did happen. I do love you."

"I love you Brian."

**Chapter11**

Dr. Shaffer allowed Justin to leave the hospital a few days after the fever broke, and he was doing much better. The chemo regimen that he had been on was switched, and he felt a little better than he had. He still got sick after treatments, but not for as long, and he felt like he wasn't as weak. He even felt well enough to go out for coffee, and that's just what he wanted to do.

"Brian, can we go get coffee? I don't think I've seen the sun in a week, and I'm feeling a little better."

"Ok where do you want to go?"

"I know this sounds crazy, but I want to visit Debbie at the diner."

"Ok, but you know eat something light, and you know that some of the gang is most likely going to be there so are you up to seeing them?"

"Yup," Justin said as he pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater. His clothes were too big for him, and hung on him like sheets, and because his skin was pale you couldn't help but notice that he was sick. Brian looked him up and down and smiled to himself. He definitely knew what would make Justin happy after stopping by the diner.

"Why don't we go to the mall also? You could really use a few new pairs of jeans and some sweaters that fit. I know that all you have wanted to wear is sweats cause you've been feeling so sick, but since you are starting to feel a little better and want to go out some clothes shopping is in order."

"Thanks I was wondering about what I'm going to wear around since all my clothes are huge."

"Well now you have your answer."

The two men walked through the mall later that afternoon holding hands and just enjoying the time that they had together. They got the normal amount of stares that they normally got when walking through the mall, but this time they were more focused on Justin instead of the two of them. Since the chemotherapy was leaving his ability to fight infections low he was still able to go out in public but he had to wear a surgical mask to keep his risk of infection low. They went to the Levi store and bought a few pairs of jeans and to American Eagle to buy some sweaters. When they were standing in line at American Eagle, a little girl caught Justin's attention and smiled at him. Her innocence drew Justin to crouch down to her level and he motioned to her to come over. When she was standing next to him he asked, "I bet you want to know why I'm wearing a monster mask."

She just nodded her head, and about that time her mom walked up and stood next to her, "I'm sorry sir. I didn't mean for her to stare. She's five and she has never seen someone dress like you or hold hands with his boyfriend before."

Justin stood up to speak to her mom, "It's fine ma'am. My partner has a son abut her age and he looked at me the same way earlier today. His moms were just as apologetic. It doesn't bother me though," he smiled at the little girl and continued, "I have a big bug in my blood and this mask helps keep other bugs from getting in."

"Is the bug going to die," the little girl asked.

"I hope so. The doctors are trying to squish him, but he always runs away." he said as Brian walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I hope they catch him," the little girl smiled at him one more time and walked off hand in hand with her mom.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, let's just go home."

Once they got back to the suite Justin's emotions overwhelmed him. He wanted nothing more than to forget the incident at the mall. He had been ok with it at the time but he was soon feeling helpless and vulnerable. He walked up to Brian and started kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt.

"Justin, we can't do this. You counts are to low and if I'm carrying anything you could get really sick again" Brian said. He had seen the pain on Justin's face when the people had been staring, and he knew that he wanted nothing more than to be comforted by love making, but it just wasn't possible.

"Fuck my counts and fuck this disease, Brian. I can't take this anymore. I'm always sick. When I do feel good I want to go places but I can't without this fucking surgical mask and the whole world staring at me. That little girl was so innocent she had no idea that the man she was talking to might die. I can't fucking take it anymore." Justin paused and ran his fingers through his hair and it came out in clumps in his hand, "Fuck and now my hair's falling out and I know that chemo and radiation are supposed to cure but what kind of bullshit is that...," Justin's voice began to tremble as the tears shone in his eyes.

"Baby, shhhh," Brian wrapped his arm around Justin forcing him to calm down, and as Justin's anger melted into sobs he felt powerless to do anything for him.

**Chapter 12**

Justin awoke to soft kisses being placed on his neck and shoulders. He loved being woken up that way and quietly moaned with content. It had been a week since his minor nervous breakdown after the incident at the mall, and since letting all of his feelings out he was feeling more stable emotionally. It had been a month since he had been diagnosed with leukemia, and even though it had been a rollercoaster month in the way of his health things couldn't have been more perfect. Today had been his last day of induction treatment, and when they had gone into Dr. Shaffer's office for the weekly meeting he told them that he was pleased with the results of his bone marrow aspirations and blood work. He wanted him to go on post remission therapy which meant he would be given four more weeks of IV chemo at the same dosage he had been being given then he would get to go home and take oral chemo until told to stop. He and Brian couldn't have been more excited. He rolled over to meet Brian's smoky gaze while leaning into each kiss, "Hmm what's up?"

"Me and you," Brian replied reaching down and running his hand gently over Justin's hard cock. They hadn't been able to make love since the last time, and now that Justin's counts were significantly lower Brian wanted to please his lover.

"Hmm," Justin moaned at the gentle caress that was soon followed by Brian's tongue wrapping around the tip of his cock, "Let me do the same to you."

Brian shifted his position so that Justin could suck him while he did the same to him. Justin enjoyed sixty nine because he felt that it was incredibly intimate to bring your lover to orgasm through oral sex at the same time they were doing it to you. He also liked how Brian responded to his ministrations by giving him equal pleasure.

Brian stroked his tongue up and down Justin's shaft. He also nibbled and sucked the underneath side of his balls while probing his hole with his fingers. Justin stroked his tongue up and down Brian's inner thigh causing his lover to tremble. He proceeded to suck his shaft and fondle his sac. He then took his hands and probed Brian's hole with his damp fingers. He wished Brian would let him suck his balls like he used to before the surgery, but even a year later Brian was still sensitive about the fake testicle. Both men moaned and sucked until they were both shooting into one another's mouths. Once the caught their breath Brian rolled over kissing Justin deeply allowing their flavors to combine on their tongues. He nibbled and sucked each of his nipples and continued back down to his balls.

"Brian, ahhh," Justin moaned unable to make coherent sentences.

When Brian sensed that he was close he lubed two fingers and slipped them inside opening Justin's hole. He prepared himself with the lube and positioned himself over Justin and whispered in his ear, "I love you Justin Taylor."

Waves of pleasure washed over Justin as he felt Brian enter him raw. He never imagined how good the skin on skin contact would feel, and moaned into each kiss that he and Brian shared. Brian thrust slowly and deeply into Justin matching each thrust with a kiss. He moaned into each kiss savoring Justin's flavor and scent. Before long waves of pleasure washed over both men as they held onto one another tightly crying out in pleasure. Brian held Justin close until their breathing became more even then he rolled off of Justin and withdrew.

"Why Brian," Justin whispered as he snuggled into Brian's arms.

"Because you're only mine and I'm only yours," Brian whispered and as he held him as he drifted off to sleep he whispered, "We're going to make it. You'll see," but only hoped it was true.

**Chapter 13**

"Cynthia, It's Brian."

"Hey Boss."

"I need your help. I'm bringing Justin home today, and I have a surprise for him. I need you to use the key you have to the loft and go in and make it look ridiculously romantic, and I also need you to have dinner ordered. I don't care what it is or how the loft looks I just need it taken care of by 6, and if you need help call Emmett."

"Okay, why are you being so secretive?"

"You'll find out soon enough I promise," Brian said and smiled to himself as he hung up. They had been waiting for that day for a month since Dr. Shaffer had told them that Justin was going to start post remission therapy. Dr. Shaffer was very pleased with Justin's blood work and bone marrow biopsy and had said that as long as his counts were that high that they had achieved complete remission and that it was safe to start the oral treatment and go back home.

Brian had wanted to do something special for his sunshine since he had been sick and since he had already told him he loved him and they had made love raw he thought a romantic dinner with a surprise ending was in order. He slipped the little velvet box out of his jacket pocket and smiled. He had seen the set of platinum and diamond wedding bands in the jewelry store window one afternoon while out buying Justin some ginger ale and crackers. He never had envisioned himself as the type of person to settle down, but considering the events of the past year he knew that he desperately needed and wanted Justin in his life.

Justin had had a particularly rough treatment that afternoon since they had decided to give him the last dose of IV chemo and radiation all on the same day. He had been incredibly nauseas all afternoon, and had decided that if he slept he would feel better. Brian stirred around the suite packing all their things from the last two months and took their bags to the car. He went and checked out, and then went back to the suite and carried Justin to the car. The drive back to the loft was quiet and Brian thought about what he was going to say to Justin.

"Hey Baby, wake up. We're home." Brian whispered against Justin's ear causing him to stir. His eyes fluttered open still heavy with sleep and Brian almost melted right there at the site of his lover. "Do you want me to carry you?"

Justin nodded and Brian slipped his arms around him and lifted him out of the corvette. Justin leaned his head against Brian's shoulder during the elevator ride up to the loft, and was sound asleep once more before they were even inside. Brian went and laid him on the bed covering his frame with the duvet and then went outside to get their bags. Once back upstairs he tossed their bags aside and took a moment to survey the loft. Cynthia had really outdone herself. The food was in the oven on low and there was champagne chilling in an ice bucket. The futon mattresses and floor pillows had been scattered around the living room with candles lining the window seal and coffee table. There were also candles leading into the bedroom and bathroom leaving dim romantic lighting in each one of the rooms. He was in shock and it couldn't have been more perfect.

"Bri," Justin whispered from behind him.

"Hey baby," He replied turning around and brushing his hand across Justin's forehead a habit that he had gotten into since Justin lost his hair.

"What's going on?"

"Well there's something I wanted to show you. Close your eyes," Brian said taking Justin's hand and leading him into the living room. He pulled the box from his pocket and opened it revealing the rings and said, "Open your eyes."

Justin gasped when he opened his eyes. Brian was kneeling before him holding the box with the wedding bands. He had never imagined that Brian would have done what he was about to do. Tears ran down his face as Brian spoke.

"Justin Taylor, you are my world. I know that I haven't always been there for you like I should have and I know that there are times when I don't say what I feel, but Jus I love you. When I thought I was going to die from my cancer and leave you alone that was the hardest thing for me, and when we found out you had cancer too I felt like the world was collapsing around us. I never want to lose you or you to lose me. Sunshine you are the light in my life and I want the whole world to know that nothing can part us. Will you be my husband?" Brian asked while sliding one of the bands on Justin's hand.

"Yes Brian I will be your husband," Justin replied tears streaming down his face. He had never thought that Brian would ask him to marry him and it felt almost surreal. He couldn't have been happier than he was that very moment but he couldn't help but shake that nagging feeling that cancer wasn't behind both of them for good.

**Chapter 14**

The days seemed to fly by since they had been home. Justin had gotten back into his art finding it therapeutic, and Brian went back to Kinnetic. The gang had been slightly shocked when the boys had walked into the diner wearing the matching rings, but it wasn't all that unexpected. Brian had been hopelessly committed to Justin since he had moved in with him after his job in California, and the cancer diagnosis had only made them closer.

The decided that they wanted to be legally married so decided that when Justin was strong enough to travel that they would take a weekend trip to Canada and make it official, and when they got back to the Pitts they would have the big commitment ceremony that Justin had always wanted.

Justin sat in the loft flipping through a formal wear magazine when the sound of the phone ringing pulled him from his thoughts. He was finally feeling strong enough and he and Brian planned on leaving within the month to go to Canada provided that his test results came back with good results, and that Dr. Shaffer said it was okay for him to travel.

"Hello."

"Is Justin Taylor in please?"

"Hi Dr. Shaffer, this is Justin," Justin choked out. He never heard from his oncologist about his results and he had this gut feeling that something was serious.

"Justin I need you and Brian to come down to my office this afternoon because we need to discuss some of your latest test results."

"Dr. Shaffer, what's going on," Justin's voice trembled slightly knowing that something was definitely wrong.

"Well I'm not completely sure, but there is some cause for concern that you might have relapsed."

Justin almost passed out he knew that that was bad and he knew that his chances for survival now were lower, but worst of all to him was the fact that he might not be able to marry Brian and that is what hurt him most of all.

When Brian walked into the loft later that evening he saw Justin lying on the couch, and The Yellow Submarine was playing quietly on the TV. He sat his briefcase and coat down and went over to his fiancée. He noticed that he was curled in a ball and had obviously been crying.

"Justin, baby what's wrong," Brian whispered.

"Dr. Shaffer called. We have to go in and see him. He thinks I've had a relapse," Justin began to cry once more just thinking about it.

"Oh fuck baby, how long ago did he call and why didn't you call me," Brian asked while wrapping Justin in his arms.

"About 3 hours and I didn't want to bother you at work," Justin replied between sobs wanting nothing more that for this nightmare to end. He was about to be married to the man of his dreams, and the damn cancer had to come back. He hated it and wanted it to all just go away.

"I wish you would have. You aren't going to push me away," Brian whispered as he tried to sooth his young lover and take his pain away.

**Chapter 15**

The next day both men walked into the oncology center to meet with Dr Shaffer. Justin had been awake most of the night throwing up, and Brian had been up with him trying to make him calm down knowing that making himself sick over the situation wasn't going to help.

"Justin how are you doing today," Dr Shaffer asked as he walked into the exam room.

"I was sick half the night thanks to our little conversation yesterday. I need to know what's going on with my body. I feel like I'm getting better, but why are the test results saying something different?"

"Well it seems as if the blasts aren't responding to the treatment. With your form of leukemia sometimes the mutated white blood cells that are being produced will stop responding to treatments. Because the immune system starts to build immunity to the drugs and in your case because there is only a certain combination of drugs we can give you those cells reached that immunity much faster than normal. You feel like you are getting better because the chemo level is still high enough in your blood from the pills that the cancer isn't spreading yet."

"What does that mean," Brian asked not liking the sound of this conversation at all.

"Justin has to have a bone marrow or stem cell transplant in order to survive, and he has to begin IV chemo right away."

"How do we find the bone marrow," Justin asked.

"The most likely candidate for successful transplant is a sibling then if they don't match we look at parents and next of kin, and then if those candidates don't match we go to the national bone marrow and stem cell registry"

With that said the men excused themselves and thanked Dr. Shaffer for all of his help. They went home to the loft and packed their bags, and went back to the hotel. Justin was extremely concerned because he knew that his only hope for 100 percent cure was bone marrow from Molly, and he just hoped that Molly was a match.

**Chapter 16**

"Mom, calm down and listen please. Mom please just calm down ok. Fine, talk to Brian" Justin struggled to stay calm while talking to Jennifer. He and Brian hadn't told anyone about his relapse for the simple fact that they wanted a week without anyone coming in and saying that they were feeling sorry for them. They had spent that time just being together and enjoying one another's company, but when that time was up Justin knew he had to call Jennifer and talk to her about the transplant.

"Hi Jen, it's Brian. We need you to come to the hotel that we stayed at last time Justin was sick and talk about some things. I know this has been difficult to hear but there is more that we need to talk about Jennifer and Justin needs us to be strong right now especially me and you. Would you please just calm down and come up here. Thanks."

"Thanks," Justin replied weakly. He had been back on IV chemo immediately since they had found out his cancer was out of remission, and it was a lot stronger than before, and he felt much weaker.

"Are you feeling ok?"

"Nauseas, but what else is new. I practically puked my toenails up this morning. I feel like shit and I want this to end. I hope Molly is a match, and even though she doesn't understand all that is going it's the only thing that might just work. Fuck I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm going to take a nap maybe by the time mom gets here I'll feel better. I love you."

"Love you too, baby."

While Justin slept Brian pulled out his laptop and began to do some research on the transplant procedure. He saw that Justin would have to go through a bone marrow harvesting procedure to protect him against rejection, but the part that bothered him the most is that Justin would be put in isolation and have his immune system suppressed with extremely high doses of chemo therapy which would essentially kill off his immune system. During that time he would be susceptible to any minor infection which was extremely risky, and that's what scared him to death.

"What are you reading," Justin asked as he walked through the living area and went in the kitchenette to grab ginger ale and a sleeve of crackers.

"Just the procedures for a bone marrow transplant. Did taking the nap help you feel any better?"

"Nope worse, I'm hoping that the soda and crackers will settle my stomach. This nausea is almost as bad as it was when I was taking that drug I was allergic too. Its just…", his voice trailed off as he ran to the bathroom. Brian walked in and smoothed circles on his back as he continued to vomit. When the heaving finally subsided he leaned against Brian heavily, "Sorry, I know you can't stand it when I throw up."

"Shh, you can't help it," Brian said helping him off the floor and back to the couch. He wiped his forehead with a damp cloth and placed a trashcan next to him. "Why don't you stay here and rest and I'll handle your mom after all she is going to be my mother in law."

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea. I love you."

"Love you too," Brian said kissing him on the forehead and walking down to the lobby to meet Jennifer.

"Hi Jen," Brian said when he walked up to Jennifer.

"Hi Brian, where's Justin?"

"He's not feeling well he's been really sick and I told him to stay and rest."

"That's probably best. Now why did you call me down here, last time Justin was sick ya'll came to me. Is something more serious?"

"Let's go talk about this somewhere quiet," Brian said and led her into the hotel restaurant. Once they were seated he explained the situation to her and showed her the research he had done earlier. He made sure to explain that Molly was going to be the best likely candidate since she was a sibling and that siblings were normally the best match, but the hardest part of the news was telling her that without a bone marrow mach Justin was going to die because his cancer would only respond to specific treatments, and that even though he was responding well right now that there was no guarantee that it would be that way in the future.

"Okay Brian. I'll take Molly tomorrow and while I'm there I will also get checked, and I will call Craig and let him know what's going on because he needs to be tested as well," Jennifer said softly almost on the verge of tears.

Brian took her in his arms and soothed her. He just felt this overwhelming sensation that no matter what the outcome was with the Taylor's that Justin was going to survive this.

**Chapter 17**

Brian had been sitting with Justin all night in the small isolation cubicle. He watched his lover's pained expression as his body fought his weakening immune system, and he desperately wanted to have some form of skin on skin contact even if it was just a brush of the finger tips, but since Justin was in isolation visitors had to gown out which meant they were in sterile gloves, shoe coverings, surgical masks, and caps. It had been two weeks since they had told Jennifer that Justin needed a bone marrow transplant, and two days after that meeting Dr. Shaffer had called and told them that he had some promising news. The preliminary blood work on Molly showed that her bone marrow was compatible with her brother's and as soon as they made sure she had no viruses or infections, and Justin had been through immune suppressant therapy they would be able to do the transplant.

"Brian, go and rest and I'll stay with him awhile."

"Thanks Deb."

When they finally told everyone that Justin was going to be hospitalized for six weeks the gang had set up a list of visitation hours for them to take shifts staying with Justin. Brian always took the night shift, and if he wanted to stay longer throughout the day he had priority, but Debbie had looked through the window while gowning out and noticed that Brian was dosing off and decided to take her turn. Brian leaned over and kissed Justin on the forehead through his surgical mask and proceeded to walk down the hall to the room that had been set up for them to rest and regroup, and that was when all shit hit the fan. Brian heard shouts coming from the hallway outside the family area.

"Jennifer, you are not going to let your fag son have our daughter's bone marrow. He is sinful and doesn't deserve to live. And that man he lives with can burn in hell with him."

Brian slid into the hallway making sure that neither Craig nor Jennifer saw him and continued to listen to the conversation.

"Fuck you Craig. OUR son is sick and his sister has something that can save his life. I am the full legal guardian of Molly and have the right to sign the papers for her operation without you, and that man's name is Brian and he is engaged to our son and he is going to be a much better husband to our son than you ever were to me so I suggest you back off."

"Why? I bet he wouldn't do shit to me considering the last time we spoke I almost broke his ribs, and their wedding wont be legal anyway, and they can…," he was suddenly cut off by a hand pushing him into the wall heavily.

"Fuck you, you sorry son of a bitch. You don't call Justin for almost four years and you don't even bother finding out if he's okay after the bashing and then after you hear about him getting leukemia you show your face just to make sure that his sister doesn't give him the one thing he needs to stay alive. I love your son more than you ever did after you found out he was gay, and you never treated Jennifer with any respect so if you show your face around either of them again I will find out so get the fuck out of here now or I will call the police and file a restraining order," Brian hissed and once he was done speaking he let go of Craig who walked off not even speaking again. They just hoped that Craig took Brian's threat seriously and didn't show back up again.

**Chapter 18**

The next week went by rather quickly. Justin continued to take the high doses of immune suppressants, and Brian continued to stay by his side. It had been almost three weeks since Justin had started the transplant procedure, and Jennifer was sitting with him when Dr. Shaffer came in to give an update so she went to wake up Brian.

"Brian," Jennifer whispered lightly shaking him awake.

Brian jerked awake sitting straight up almost jumping off the bed, "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. In fact he told me not to wake you but I thought you might want to know that the doctor just came in."

"Thanks," Brian said hugging her and went to go see Justin.

"Hey you, I told mom not to wake you up," Justin said giving him his sunshine smile when Brian walked into the room. Since he had started therapy all of his hair had fallen out again and he was wearing a blue bandana that brought out the blue in his eyes making Brian melt when he looked at him.

"It's okay she thought I might want to know that you were having a meeting with Dr. Shaffer," Brian said leaning over and kissing him on the forehead through the mask. That had become their most intimate form of contact besides holding hands since Justin had been placed in isolation, and both men couldn't wait until the transplant was over.

"Good to see you two are still sharing intimacy because that closeness is going to be extremely important for the next few weeks. Justin your immune system has been knocked out and once your sister has her harvesting operation we can precede with the transplant. Your mom and I will have to talk next to arrange a time for Molly to have her surgery, but I'm hoping that the transplant will be able to take place by Friday which gives us two days. Does that sound good to you?"

"Absolutely Dr Shaffer, thank you." Justin said as he wrapped Brian in a hug and practically squealed with delight. He knew he wasn't out of the woods yet, but he couldn't help but breathe a small sigh of relief that at least the heavy chemo was finished with or so he hoped.

**Chapter 19**

Two days later Justin's long road to survival began. Molly was scheduled for the harvesting operation at nine, and if everything went well Justin should receive his new marrow by noon. Jennifer sat in the surgical waiting area with Debbie waiting for word on Molly while Brian stayed in the isolation ward with Justin. Around noon just like predicted the surgical team came to Justin's room with the bag of marrow. It was a red jelly like substance that would take almost seven hours to infuse.

"Hi Justin and Brian," said Kelly, the young nurse on Justin's transplant team, when she walked into the room, "I'm going to take your vitals ever fifteen minutes, and if you start to feel itchy or see anything that looks like a rash develop let me know immediately because it could be signs of early rejection."

"Okay," Justin said as he watched the marrow run through the tubing into his arms and thanked his sister for the precious gift she had given him.

The first day or two after the transplant Justin's system seemed to be responding positively to the transplant. The transplant team was keeping a close eye on his heart by putting him on a monitor, and they were also making sure that he didn't develop an infection. The third day however he started to feel tired and he had a headache. When Kelly came in and took his vitals she noticed that he had a fever, which sometimes was the first sign of rejection.

Justin was immediately put on antibiotics, but he had an allergic reaction to the first round which caused him to break out in hives. He was being pumped so full of fluids that his face and limbs swelled to where he was almost unrecognizable. Brian paced his room night and day only leaving for long enough to go to the bathroom or get coffee, and then he came immediately back to his side. He tried to sleep when Justin did, but was too nervous and worried to sleep much longer than twenty or thirty minutes at a time.

"Brian," Jennifer said tapping him lightly on the shoulder.

"Yeah," he replied as he woke up.

"Go sleep, I'll stay with him and come get you if something changes okay."

"No, I'm staying with him."

"Okay," Jennifer said then left the room.

About that time Justin stirred slightly, "Brian where are you?"

"I'm here baby."

"Promise me something. Promise me that if I die you will move on," Justin said barely above a whisper.

"Baby, I can't promise you that, but I can promise you that I will always love you, but you are a fighter and you will fight this thing and Molly's marrow will work, and if not they will put your marrow back in you, and we'll start over okay. Justin you will fight this. I love you."

"Brian, I love you." Justin whispered his eyes fluttering shut as the heart monitor went flat.

**Chapter 20**

The room flew into a whirlwind of activity of doctors and nurses. No one was sterile, and CPR was begun. "JUSTIN," Kelly shouted in his ear trying to get any response, and Brian sat in shock listening to the flat line on the monitor.

"_You were just a fuck…,"_

"_Brian, I want you inside me…"_

"_I want a second chance…"_

"_Brian, I love you…"_

"_I want you to move back in…"_

"Brian talk to him," Kelly encouraged pulling him over to the bed, "He can hear you."

"_Leukemia…"_

"_Jus, I love you…"_

"_Will you be my husband…"_

"_Relapse…"_

"_You're a fighter…" _

"Justin, baby, come back please come back to me. I love you and we have a wedding to plan. After all, we can't just run away to Canada and not let Emmett have his wonderful affair, and Daphne would kill us if she didn't see me get married and proclaim I'm off the market. Damn it, come back to me baby, please fight, I love you. I love you," he whispered.

"We have a rhythm and his blood pressure is returning to normal," one of the doctors said as the green line of the heart monitor returned to steady peaks and valleys. Brian was sweating from fear, and as he calmed down he relaxed his grip from around Justin's hand for fear of hurting him and breathed a sigh of relief. His baby had come back.

**Chapter 21**

"Brian," Justin moaned, his voice was hoarse and filled with pain.

"I'm here baby," Brian said as he rubbed circles on his back.

"Am I going to be able to get another pain shot?"

"I'll ask Kelly when she comes in."

It had been three days since Justin's brush with death, but he still wasn't out of the woods. He was alert and fever free, but because of the procedures done to bring him back he was in extreme pain. Dr. Shaffer had been in earlier that morning and the word on the blood counts were really good. The white cells were at 900 and his platelets and red cells were very good too. Molly's marrow had taken hold and was beginning to work properly, and if everything continued to look promising he would be free to leave the hospital in a couple of weeks.

"I can't believe I almost died," Justin whispered as he stroked the back of Brian's hand trying to calm him and reassure him that he was fine.

"Yeah, they had to shock your heart. You scared me. I thought I had lost you."

"Babe, you should know by now that I am stubborn and you are never going to lose me."

"God, I hope not," Brian said as he held him close.

Justin began to get stronger as the days went by, and just like Dr. Shaffer had said he was released from the hospital six weeks after the transplant. He was still weak but the bone marrow aspiration and blood work showed that there were no cancer cells in his blood and that the new marrow was beginning to function to its full level. He was in remission again.

**Chapter 22**

Justin was working on his wedding gift for Brian, a picture of him and Gus, when the phone started ringing in the loft. He and Brian had planned to leave town for Canada just as soon as they got the okay for Justin to travel because they wanted nothing more than to be married. It had been a month since he had been released from the hospital, and he had had a bone marrow aspiration and blood drawn two days ago and he was expecting a call from Dr. Shaffer about the results.

"Is Justin Taylor in please?"

"Hi, Dr. Shaffer this is Justin,"

"Justin I just wanted you to know that I have some really good news for you. Your bone marrow aspiration came back negative for cancerous cells and the new marrow has grafted very well. You are showing no signs of rejection, and your counts are good enough that you can travel to Canada, but just be sure that you wear your mask on the plane ride. Have a safe trip, and I will see you in two weeks."

"Thank you Dr. Shaffer," Justin almost squealed.

When Brian walked into the loft after coming home from the office he was attacked by Justin, "Settle down and tell me what's going on."

"Well Bri, all my blood work came back and Dr. Shaffer told me that I'm showing no signs of relapse or rejection which means I have an appointment in two weeks and until then we are free to go to Canada !"

When Brian heard that he picked up his fiancée and swung him around hugging him tightly and kissing him deeply until they had to come up for air.

"Let's leave tonight. We can drive and that way you don't have to wear the surgical mask and risk any kind of infections, and it's only a six hour drive so we will still have plenty of time to spend in the city."

The men decided to pack enough things for a weekend celebration. Brian called to make sure that the surprise suite he had had arranged for Justin was still available for the weekend and that the Justice of the Peace would be able to perform their ceremony, and Justin called the family and let them know that they were going out of town for the weekend. They were finally getting married.

**Chapter 23**

Brian smiled at Justin as he glanced over at him. He was curled up in the passenger seat sound asleep. He had been asleep most of the drive, and even though it was beautiful in early fall Brian didn't want to wake him. He had been tired a lot since the transplant, but according to Dr. Shaffer that was normal and that there was nothing to worry about especially since his tests had just come back with excellent results. Later when Brian stopped for gas he reached over and kissed Justin causing him to stir.

"Hey you, where are we?"

"Canada, you slept almost the whole way we have about an hour left till we get to Toronto. I'm going in to grab some water do you want anything?"

"Water and for you to kiss me," Justin said as he sat up and kissed Brian deeply.

"Hmm," Brian said once they broke for air, "you definitely are feeling better."

The rest of the night passed fairly uneventfully, they drove the rest of the way to the city and checked into the hotel that they were going to be staying at. When Justin stepped away to call the gang to let them know they had made it to Canada Brian spoke with the desk clerk about the surprise suite and had they arrangements made. Tomorrow was going to be a wonderful day.

The next morning Justin awoke to the smell of fresh coffee. He glanced over at the clock and realized that it was already noon. He slid out of bed, pulled on his robe and went to find Brian, however when he stepped into the kitchenette Brian wasn't there but there was a note next to the coffee maker.

_Sunshine,_

_I had to run pick up our marriage license. The ceremony is at 2:00 so meet me downstairs at 1:30. _

_Brian_

Justin drank his coffee, showered and pulled on dark gray slacks that hugged his hips and a blue sweater that brought out his eyes. When he glanced at the clock a second time it was already 1:15 so he decided to head down to the lobby thinking that Brian might be down there early. When he walked in to the lobby Brian was standing by the front door. He was wearing black slacks and a black sweater, and Justin almost melted.

"You ready to go," Brian asked.

"Yeah," Justin whispered as he brushed his lips up against his partner's.

The men caught a cab and headed to the courthouse. They met with the Justice of the Peace and exchanged vows in a small outdoor ceremony. After the wedding, they had lunch at a small outdoor café, and went to a few of the art museums. They had an early dinner at a small eloquent restaurant then finally decided to go back to the hotel.

"Our carriage awaits," Brian said taking Justin by the hand and leading him outside. Next to the curb was a horse drawn carriage with a dozen sterling roses on the seat, and a bottle of champagne. Brian helped Justin into the carriage then climbed in behind his husband wrapping him in his arms.

"This day was perfect and so romantic, when did you plan all this," Justin asked.

"I've had all of it planned since before I asked you to marry me so this is why my heart was so set on coming here, and I'm just glad that you are still here for me to share this with. I love you Justin," Brian said as he tightened his grip around Justin's waist.

**Chapter 24**

"Brian, why aren't you letting me see anything," Justin asked more curious than ever. They had spent the rest of the carriage ride looking at the stars and sneaking subtle kisses whenever the driver wasn't looking. They had arrived a few minutes before and Brian had blindfolded him before they got on the elevator.

"In time Sunshine," Brian said as he led Justin from the elevator to the honeymoon suite, and as he opened the door and guided Justin inside he asked, "Are you ready for your surprise?"

"Yeah," Justin said as Brian removed his blindfold. Justin was shocked. The honeymoon suite at the hotel was completely done in deep red and white. The curtains were gauzy and the bed was covered in red rose petals on a white down comforter with large fluffy down pillows. The bathroom was done the same way with white robes and red towels. The Jacuzzi tub was filled with rose petals and bubbles, and next to the bath was a tray of tuxedo strawberries. Every room was lit dimly with candlelight or firelight, and there was quiet music playing in the background.

"Brian it is so beautiful, thank you for tonight."

"Your welcome baby, and that's not all I have for you," Brian said seductively and took Justin in his arms and kissed him deeply. They each slowly removed one another's clothing never breaking their kiss.

Justin slowly began running his hands all over Brian's body slowly following his motions with his tongue. He worked his way all over his chest and neck and down to his cock. He proceeded to lick and tease Brian's cock all the while fondling his balls.

"Hmmm Jus, suck them." Brian moaned almost incoherently.

"Are you sure," Justin asked wanting to make completely sure that Brian wanted that.

"Yes baby suck them," he purred.

Justin took his husband's balls in his mouth being sure to pay careful attention to the real testicle. He sucked and nibbled until Brian was crying out and shooting his load. Justin then proceeded to kiss his husband deeply letting his own flavor mingle with Brian's.

Later in the evening Justin lay with his head on Brian's chest as they soaked in the Jacuzzi tub. They were both content with one another's presence and finally glad they were married.

"Close you eyes baby, I have one more surprise for you."

"Hmm okay," Justin replied closing his eyes.

Brian proceeded to reach down behind the tub and pull out a small box, "Okay baby open your eyes."

Justin opened his eyes and gasped as he saw the platinum and heart shaped diamond Claddagh rings nestled in the velvet box that Brian was holding, "Babe, they're beautiful but we already have rings,"

"Yeah, but I thought it would be nice to exchange these rings at home during our vow renewal ceremony since we have been through so much and the Claddagh ring represents love, friendship, and loyalty, and I believe that you and I share all those. I love you."

"I love you too."

They proceeded to make love through the night and finally settled down about 5:30 in the morning, and as they held one another close they dreaded going back to Pittsburgh for the fear of what might be waiting in the coming weeks.

**Chapter 25**

A few days after the trip to Canada the guys were sitting in the loft looking up wedding sites on the internet. They had decided that they were going to have their vow renewal ceremony at the outdoor gardens in downtown with a dinner party at the loft afterwards. They were still debating on the color of the tux vests and flowers. They wanted something simple yet elegant and romantic. Brian was running his hands along Justin's back lovingly when Justin gasped in pain.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I don't know they way your hand was stroking hurt all of a sudden."

"Pull up your shirt, let me see."

When Justin pulled up his shirt Brian noticed that there were some small bruises on his back. He knew they had had a rough night of hard sex and thought that that was most likely what it was but he still was slightly worried since the first signs of a relapse could be bruising, "you have bruises on your back, are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I've been tired but Dr. Shaffer said that that was normal and besides I just got a clean bill of health before we left for Canada and I have another aspiration and check in a few weeks, and besides if I was feeling weak and sick I would let you know."

"Thanks baby," Brian said kissing him deeply.

After another few hours of web searching, they were both exhausted. They finally had all the arrangements made, the gardens were booked, the formal wear was picked out, and they had even called and asked Rev. Tom to come and conduct the ceremony. They went to bed and were so tired that they just held one another and slept. Later in the evening Justin awoke feeling like his skin was crawling. He went to the bathroom and flipped on the switch being careful not to wake Brian, and that was when he noticed the rash that was on his hands and legs, and immediately knew something was wrong.

**Chapter 26**

He continued to stand in the bathroom in shock. Dr. Shaffer had told him that he was not going to be completely out of the woods until several years after the transplant and that there would still be possible complications after the procedure. He knew he had been tired a lot lately, but he had pretty much felt that way since the transplant, and he had been so busy traveling and planning the vow renewal ceremony that he hadn't really given anything a second thought. He also wasn't that concerned with the fact that he was tired because before he had left for Canada he had been given a clean bill of health.

"Baby, what's going on," Brian asked as he stumbled into the bathroom, "you've been in here…," but before he was able to finish his sentence he noticed the rash on Justin's arms and legs.

"I'm broken out in this rash, and I'm nauseas."

Brian immediately grabbed the ear thermometer and handed it to Justin. He was concerned because they were told when Justin left the hospital right after the transplant that if he were to run fever or break out in a rash that it could be the first signs that he was rejecting the transplanted marrow. He knew that it was also the most likely scenario because it had only been a week since all of Justin's tests had come back clear.

"Bri, I'm scared," Justin replied weakly. He was nervous and on the verge of a panic attack, and he knew that if he allowed himself to panic it would only make things worse.

"I know Jus," Brian said reading the thermometer once it beeped, "but we have to go to the hospital. You have a fever."

"Fuck, I thought I was better," Justin mumbled while he stumbled back into the bedroom to get dressed.

"So did I," Brian said as he also get dressed, "It's going to be okay, maybe its just an allergic reaction and they'll give you some Benadryl, but we have to make sure."

Once at the treatment center's twenty-four hour emergency clinic both men were becoming increasingly worried. The nurse had taken one look at Justin and then another look at his chart, and took them straight back to the exam room. He checked Justin's vitals and made sure he relaxed then left the room.

"Damn he was hot," Justin gasped once the nurse left the room.

"Yeah, but not as hot as you and also very straight, besides since when was a married man allowed to look," Brian smirked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Just an observation," Justin replied pulling his husband towards him locking his lips with a kiss.

They continued to just hold one another as they waited for the on call oncologist to arrive. Once she was there she admitted Justin for observation and began a full blood work up. Two hours later when the blood work came back she ordered an aspiration and their worst fears were brought to light. It seemed as if Justin had developed graft versus host disease, and his body was rejecting the new bone marrow.

**Chapter 27**

After the news that Justin was possibly rejecting his bone marrow Dr. Shaffer was called and Justin was immediately placed in isolation. He hated being in that room with the little window and not being allowed to have any close intimate contact with Brian. It killed him, and that had been the worst part of the transplant procedure. It had been a long night, Justin was asleep and Brian was sitting in the chair next to him half asleep when Dr. Shaffer came in.

"Brian, I'll talk to you out in the hall since he's asleep."

"Okay," Brian followed him into the hallway stripping out of the isolation garb on the way out the door, "what's going on with my husband?"

"Well according to the blood work and aspiration he is still cancer free, but it looks like he has scarlet fever which is the cause of the rash not bone marrow rejection like the other doctor thought. I want to go ahead and keep him in isolation until his fever is down and I want to go ahead and increase his immune suppressant medication which once again means no crowds for awhile."

"Thanks for the news Doc," Brian said then went back to sit with Justin. He was still sound asleep, and his pale skin and blond hair made him look like an angel. Brian pushed a stray strand of hair from his forehead and kissed him through the surgical mask. Once he was satisfied that Justin was well enough to be left alone he went and called Jennifer.

"Hello" Jennifer said cheerfully.

"Hi Jen, Justin's back in the hospital," Brian said choking back the sudden tears that he felt stinging his eyes.

"Brian, just sit tight, I'll be right there."

Once at the hospital Jennifer made her way up to the isolation floor to find Brian. He had sounded on the verge of a breakdown when they had spoken on the phone and she knew the way he had behaved when Justin was hospitalized that last time. She knew that her son in law needed someone there as much as her son did. She went ahead and gowned out and walked quietly into her son's room hoping that someone would fill her in on all the details soon.

**Chapter 28**

"Hey mom," Justin whispered not wanting to wake Brian who had fallen asleep sitting in the chair next to his bed, "I'm worried about him."

"Well he's worried about you. What's going on, he just told me to come up here that you were back in the hospital."

"Dr. Shaffer said that I have scarlet fever which explains the rash on my arms and legs. He said the bone marrow is working and that there are no signs of rejection, but in order to help me fight the infection I have to stay in isolation. I am also going to be given an increased dosage on my immune suppressant drugs and some high dose antibiotics. I'm going to be weak for awhile, but at least I'm not rejecting."

"Yeah that's good," Jennifer replied taking her son's hand.

A few moments later Brian began to stir. He sat up and rubbed his eyes squinting against the lights of the hospital room, "Hey Baby."

"Hey sleepyhead, I love you."

"Love you too. Did Dr. Shaffer come and talk to you while I was asleep?"

"Yeah, he told me what was going on and that I will have to take more immune suppressant drugs and antibiotics, but if everything goes well it shouldn't take that long for me to get out of here so we can have the renewal ceremony."

"Sounds good to me, but for right now let's just focus on getting you better and out of here," Brian said hugging him.

The next week went by in a blur. Justin was pumped so full of antibiotics and immune suppressants that he was tired and listless. He wasn't nearly as sick as he had been during the transplant, but it was still taking a lot of medicine to help his already weakened immune system to function. Dr. Shaffer came everyday and made sure that everything was good and exactly one week after his hospitalization Justin was given the all clear and sent home with orders to not go around crowds or travel. He had beaten the infection, but how many more was he going to have to go through before he was cured.

**Chapter 29**

"Justin and Brian it's time and I'm so proud of you both," Jennifer said as she smiled at her son and his husband. The day for their vow renewal ceremony had finally arrived. It had been a month since Justin's last hospitalization and since then he had been healthy. Because of needing to avoid crowds though it was decided that the ceremony would be at the loft instead of the gardens. They had strung white twinkling lights all over the ceiling and had dimmed the lights and added candles on the window ledges. They had also scattered rose petals of all different colors on the floor and tables.

"Let's do this," Justin whispered as he reached up to straighten Brian's tie and kiss him on the cheek. As they walked to the space by the windows at the loft "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" was softly playing since they had chosen that as their song.

Look into my eyes - you will see  
What you mean to me  
Search your heart - search your soul  
And when you find me there you'll search no more  
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for  
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for  
You know it's true  
Everything I do - I do it for you

There wasn't a dry eye in the room when Justin and Brian made their way into the room to pledge their love for one another in front of their family. Debbie was sniffling softly as she leaned up against Emmett and Ted. Michael and Ben were kept sneaking glances at one another as they thought back to their wedding day. Melanie and Lindsey were openly crying and thankful that they had gotten back together after the whole split after Sam, and Jennifer and Molly were hugging each other thankful that Justin was still alive.

Look into my heart - you will find  
There's nothin' there to hide  
Take me as I am - take my life  
I would give it all I would sacrifice  
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for  
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more  
Ya know it's true  
Everything I do - I do it for you

One Brian and Justin were at the front of the room the music faded out and Rev. Tom spoke, "family and friends we are gathered here to witness the renewal of wedding vows. As you know love is about caring and compassion, being one with that person, and loving that person unconditionally. As you know Brian and Justin have chosen today to commit that love in front of their family after a year of extreme hardship and trial. They have shown that they understand that marriage is not to be entered into lightly, and they have fought for that love every step of the way. Brian and Justin have chosen to write their vows and I will now let Brian proceed."

Brian took Justin's hands in his and began, "Jus the last year has been so hard. Seeing you sick has been the most difficult thing that I have had to do in the entire time we have been together, but no matter how bad you felt you were always concerned about me. The love you showed me during this past year gave me the strength to keep loving you and holding you no matter what. Justin, you came into my life and tore down the walls around my heart and allowed me to learn how to love, and no matter how many stupid things I did you always accepted me for who I was. Justin Taylor you complete my soul and I will always love you."

Justin continued to grip Brian's hands as he spoke, "Bri the last year has taught me more about love than I ever though it would. When I was sick you held me and cared for me in a way that no one else could have. You showed me unconditional and supportive love. The love you showed me gave me the strength to keep on living when I was ready to give up. Brian, I might have taught you how to love, but you taught me how to fight for love and when the biggest fight to keep love was my life you were their and never left my side. Brian Kinney, my soul and life are complete because of you and I will always love you."

Rev Tom then spoke, "Brian and Justin do you promise to love, support, and cherish each other in wealth and poverty, sickness and health, good times and bad till death parts you? Do you promise that you each will do your best to communicate and help the other one, and no matter what happens always love and trust each other?

"We do"

"The rings please."

Brian handed the Claddagh rings to him as he continued, "Rings are a sign of outward and everlasting commitment. When Brian and Justin wear these rings they will be a symbol to them and to everyone that sees them of the commitment they share. Brian take this ring and place it on Justin's finger saying with this ring I am committed to you."

Brian looked Justin in the eyes, slid the ring on his finger and said, "With this ring I am committed to you"

"Justin take this ring and place it on Brian's finger saying with this ring I am committed to you."

Justin looked Brian in the eyes, slid the ring on his finger and said "With this ring I am committed to you"

"Well now that we have all witnessed the vows and exchanging of rings it is my great pleasure to introduce to you Mr. Brian Kinney and Mr. Justin Taylor-Kinney partners in life. You may now kiss" Brian swept Justin into his arms and kissed his lips passionately letting the taste of his husband cause his heart to melt even more, and as the evening of celebrating their love continued both men could see that life was going to be perfect no matter what was thrown in their direction.

**WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON**

**Chapter 1**

"Honey I'm home," Brian smirked as he walked through the door and proceeded to go towards the bedroom to change.

"Hey," Justin called out from the living room. Brian walked in and found Justin sitting on the floor flipping through the scrapbook from their trip to Canada and their vow renewal ceremony. Brian flipped on the CD player and then joined Justin on the floor pulling him in close for a kiss.

"How was your day," Brian asked.

"Good, Deb brought over some cannelloni which is in the fridge if you're hungry and a whole bunch of pictures from our vow renewal ceremony so I figured that I would add them to the scrap book."

"I'll help after I heat up some of the pasta," Brian said as got up to go to the kitchen, but before he got two steps towards the kitchen, Justin grabbed his arm pulling him into a lip-searing kiss. Justin proceeded to pull off Brian's shirt and pants as he slowly worked his way to Brian's cock. Brian moaned as Justin ran his tongue along his shaft flicking the tip. He proceeded to move down to the balls licking, sucking, and nibbling on Brian's inner thigh. He continued to lick and suck until Brian was shooting into his mouth. He kissed his husband one more time and allowed their flavor time to linger together.

"How was that?"

"Fabulous, now it's your turn," Brian replied tackling Justin to the ground. He stripped his clothes off and ground their groins together while sucking on Justin's nipples. He bit and sucked all the way down to his cock taking it all into his mouth at once. Justin writhed and moaned pushing Brian's head further down onto his cock. Brian continued sucking and nibbling until Justin was shooting into his mouth. He swallowed his cum and smiled looking deep into his husband's eyes meeting his lips for a long lingering kiss.

"That was amazing, but now I'm hungry for real food," Justin said giggling.

"Could have fooled me," Brian smirked and walked off to heat up the pasta.

It had been a year since their vow renewal ceremony and life for them couldn't have been any better. Justin had been cancer free for the last year, and even though he still had to go for monthly checkups, but they were finally getting to settle down into their routine of married life.

Later that evening after finishing dinner and taking a shower they sat down to add the pictures to the scrapbook of the wedding festivities, "Hey Jus, how is this one," Brian said as he held up a picture of them with cake covered faces.

"Perfect," Justin giggled.

"You're telling me huh," Brian said tackling him and smothering his lips with a kiss. As the night went on they made love for hours reveling in the sweetness of each other's love, but little did they know that it was once again going to be jeopardized.

**Chapter 2**

"Hi, Justin and Brian how are you both doing today," Dr. Shaffer asked as he walked into the exam room at the oncology clinic.

"Good, and yourself doc," Brian smirked. He was thankful for the doctor's honesty when it came to treating Justin for the last year, but he still liked to give him the Brian Kinney attitude every once in awhile. Justin had been feeling run down for the last few weeks and even though he figured that it was just stress Brian had insisted that they call the Dr. Shaffer and go in earlier than his normal checkup.

"Good, Justin what seems to be the problem I wasn't supposed to see you for another week?"

"Well I have been really tired and I feel like I have no energy, and that's the way I felt when I was sick before."

"It could be a number of things so I want to take some blood, and then we will go from there."

"Okay," Brian said wrapping Justin in his arms because he could sense that his husband was nervous.

Later that evening both men slept fitfully. When Dr. Shaffer looked at Justin's blood work he had been concerned and sent Justin in for a bone marrow biopsy. Now all they could do was wait for the call.

"No, this can't be happening you said I was healthy," Justin mumbled in his sleep. He jerked awake and sat straight up his breathing was rapid and he was struggling for air. Brian woke up and could tell he was having a panic attack, and knew that he had been having a nightmare.

"Justin, baby…," Brian said wrapping him in his arms, "c'mon baby breath with me."

Brian leaned up against the pillows pulling Justin against his chest and breathed deeply in and out allowing Justin to feel the rhythm of his breathing. Justin had had panic attacks after the bashing and during the year of treatment and they had found that they best way to bring him out of that state was to just keep him as calm as possible. It took about ten minutes, but Brian managed to get his husband's breathing under control.

"Brian," Justin whispered weakly, "I need you to make love to me, please make the fear go away," and as Brian complied with his husband's request there was still the lingering fear of what was to come.

**Chapter 3**

Brian ran his hands along his husband's pale skin kissing every inch of his body from his head down to his toes. He massaged his tense muscles and encouraged him to relax. Justin was incredibly tense and Brian intended on taking this love making session slow so that they would both feel every amount of pleasure as they drowned out the one worry that was on their minds.

"Hmm," Justin moaned as Brian nibbled on the inside of his thigh causing chills to run up and down his body, "Brian I need to taste you."

"Hmm, in time," Brian whispered as he made his way up Justin's body to meet his lips in a rough tongue battling kiss. The kissing turned more urgent as Brian lowered himself over his husband once again sucking on his neck and chest savoring his flavor as he worked his way to his balls. He massaged his sac gently and sucked his cock until Justin was teetering on the edge of the cliff. He backed off bringing Justin down slowly allowing his breathing to return to normal. They had practiced the art of Tantric sex when Justin had been sick before because not only did it intensify their sex it was relaxing and helped to take Justin's mind of his health. Brian's full intention was to use that technique tonight.

"Brian, I need to feel you," Justin moaned his voice thick with lust and trembling with ecstasy. Brian straddled his hips and took his hands in his. He could tell from his trembling voice that he was close to coming so he ran his hand over Justin's lips silencing him with a kiss.

"Baby, focus on me and breathe. Let's make this last," Brian said as his hazel eyes locked with the pale blue of his husband's.

"Okay," Justin whispered knowing what Brian wanted to do, "hold on though let's do this right," he slid of the bed, went and got some candles, and turned on a soft music mix. He wanted tonight to last so that they wouldn't have to face tomorrow. Once the music was set and the candles were lit Justin and Brian sat on the bed face to face breathing in and out, and gazing into the depths of one another's soul.

Love - Devotion  
Feeling - Emotion  
Don't be afraid to be weak  
Don't be too proud to be strong  
Just look into your heart my friend  
That will be the return to yourself  
The return to innocence

Justin slowly moved into Brian's arms kissing his neck and shoulders following the same path that Brian had earlier in the evening with him. Brian continued to breathe with Justin and began to feel his whole body relax. Justin was worshipping his body and soul through his touch. Brian held Justin kissing his shoulders; neck and chest all the while savoring the flavor of one another.

If you want, then start to laugh  
If you must, then start to cry  
Be yourself don't hide  
Just believe in destiny  
Don't care what people say  
Just follow your own way  
Don't give up and use the chance  
To return to innocence

Brian moved Justin onto his side and kissed and sucked his way down to his cock taking him in one swoop at the same time that Justin to his shaft in his mouth. They sucked and licked slowly sharing the passion of oral sex. The skin on skin contact along with the smell of sex made the passion flare. The fire in one another's actions and touch bared the soul and erased all fears and anxiety.

That's not the beginning of the end  
That's the return to yourself  
The return to innocence  
Don't care what people say  
Just follow your own way  
Don't give up and use the chance  
To return to innocence

They made love slowly and tenderly sharing the depths of one another's souls. They savored the sweetness of passion and love. There was tenderness that they had rarely experienced. Brian kissed Justin tenderly savoring his husband. They made love slowly allowing their bodies and souls to intertwine. Justin never broke his gaze or breathing off that of his husband and as they both reached their orgasm together they felt renewed and refreshed to face what was coming for them the following day.

**Chapter 4**

Brian awoke with a jolt when the alarm went off. He untangled himself from his husband kissed him on the forehead and stumbled to the bathroom. He pulled on his robe and went to the kitchen to make coffee. He decided to let Justin sleep awhile longer since they had only been asleep for a few hours and he flipped on his laptop to catch up on some work.

He sat looking at the screen but couldn't seem to find the concentration to work. He kept running through the events of the previous day, and how raw and passionate their lovemaking had been. He knew that he wanted that again, and he decided that the best thing to do was to take the day off. He knew the last time they had waited on some test results it took almost two days and that Justin was a nervous wreck. He called Cynthia to let her know to handle the Brown Athletics follow up meetings and to tell her he wouldn't be in the rest of the week.

As he was about to go climb back in bed, Justin stumbled out of the bedroom. He had dark circles under his eyes, and looked like he was about to pass out, "Hey sleepyhead, I took the day off why don't we go back to sleep," Brian said pulling him close, and that's when he realized the tears, "baby what's wrong."

"Dr. Shaffer called my cell when you were on the phone with Cynthia," Justin struggled to speak, "I'm sick again," and as he began to sob Brian wrapped him in his arms and held him close.

**Chapter 5**

"Shh baby, everything is going to be okay, we will get through this again," Brian whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on Justin's back.

"Bri, I love you," Justin said between sobs.

"I love you too, baby," Brian whispered.

Once Justin had calmed down Brian convinced him to go back to bed. He had been more tired than ever lately and now that they knew the cause it was just going to make it worse if he stressed himself out. Brian went and lay down next to him and continued to rub circles on his back and whisper words of comfort. When he was certain that Justin was asleep he slowly moved off the bed and walked back into the living room to call Dr. Shaffer.

"University of Pittsburgh Oncology Clinic, Dr. Harold Shaffer speaking, how may I help you?"

"Dr. Shaffer, this is Brian Kinney. I was wondering what's going on with my husband. He told me that you had just called and told him that he was sick again. What seems to be going on?"

"Brian, Justin has relapsed post transplant which is normally not a good sign. He is going to have to start more aggressive chemotherapy and radiation, and once there is no sign of cancer we can proceed with a second bone marrow transplant, and if the transplant is performed while Justin is in remission then the chances are going to be a lot higher. If he becomes to sick and his system is non responsive to treatment and we have to kill off his immune system again while there is still the presence of cancer cells the chances are going to be a lot lower."

"What are the chances of remission?"

"About 25 percent," and with that said Brian felt like his heart was shattering in his chest.

**Chapter 6**

"Brrri," Justin mumbled as he lay curled in a ball on the bed. It had been a week since they had found out that he had relapsed. After some serious consideration and talk with his mom and Molly they had decided that the best option for him was going to be to try for the second transplant so the chemo had been begun immediately.

His skin was pale and ashen and he looked as if a gust of wind would blow him away. He had been hoping that all that he was going to have to have was chemotherapy but he also had to have radiation. It made his skin feel tight and dry, and no matter how many times he had been through the chemo regimen during his first time with cancer this time had to be the worst nausea that he had had and he was always afraid to move for the fear that everything he had attempted to eat would come up. He was having chills and nothing seemed to be helping not even the anti nausea drugs he had been given this time and the Advil.

"Yeah Jus," Brian whispered sitting down next to him trying not to shake the bed to much knowing that any little movement would make him even more nauseous

"Can I have some more of the anti nausea medicine yet?"

"Not yet, it's still too soon but I'll get you some saltines and sprite that might help," Brian said kissing his forehead and sliding back off the bed, but before he even got two steps out of the bedroom Justin rolled over leaning off the side of the bed. Brian went and grabbed one of the blue ice cold packs out of the freezer and wrapped it in a towel and walked into the bedroom. He placed the cool pack on the back of his husband's neck and braced his shoulders as his body was lurched with vomiting. Once the vomiting subsided, Brian managed to get him to keep a few sips of sprite down and gave him two more Advil just before he drifted into a fitful feverish sleep.

**Chapter 7**

"Brian, why don't you go home, Ted and I can handle this," Cynthia said as she walked into his office. He had had a meeting scheduled with the Liberty Air Reps that morning and they had insisted that they would meet with no one but Brian, but now they were running late which was beginning to get to his nerves.

"No, its okay Jennifer is with Justin at treatment, and soon as the assholes show up I'm going to introduce you and Ted and get out of here, but I am going to be there for introductions and that's it. If they wanted my time they should have been here on time or made arrangements," Brian snapped. He had a headache and he was exhausted. He had had been up most of the night taking care of Justin and he had tried to explain to the reps that he had a family illness and that it wasn't going to be possible for him to meet with them, but they still insisted.

"Okay, and Brian if you need anything else just let me know."

"Thanks Cynthia," Brian replied as he turned his attention back to the notes on the Liberty Air pitch. He was jarred from his thoughts when the phone on his desk rang. He picked it up hoping that it was the reps explaining their tardiness but smiled when he heard the voice on the other end.

"Hey babe," Justin said weakly.

"Hey baby why aren't you resting, you don't sound like you feel well at all."

"I don't but I thought that I would call you and let you know we are back from treatment so that when you are done with your meeting you can come back to the hotel. I love you."

Brian smiled then hung up the phone at the exact moment Cynthia came to get him for the Liberty Air meeting. He walked into the conference room introduced himself briefly then introduced Cynthia and Ted. He put up the boards and excused himself saying, "Thank you gentlemen but because of your tardiness I have another appointment."

There were a few murmurs throughout the reps then one of them had the nerve to ask, "What's up his ass?"

Cynthia immediately piped up, "He already explained to you that he has was supposed to be taking care of a family problem today, but because of your lateness he had to be here. My suggestion to you all is to suck up the questions and let us pitch the idea or get the fuck out of here now," and with that said the men shut up and let Ted and Cynthia seal the deal.

Once Brian made it back to the hotel, he walked into the room quietly. He heard whispering coming from the bedroom. He walked in and found Justin lying on the bed with Daphne sitting on the edge of it putting on her shoes.

"Hey Daphne how have you been doing," Brian said leaning down to kiss his husband.

"Good, I just came to visit with Justin and I was just about to get going once I heard you come in. I have a major project due to that I need to finish. Later," she said as she kissed each man on the cheek and left.

Brian changed his clothes then crawled in bed next to Justin brushing the hair from his forehead as he kissed him deeply. Once they broke for air Brian asked, "What did Dr. Shaffer say today?"

"Just that I am responding to treatment, but that it's going to take at least two rounds with a month in between to make sure that the marrow is cancer free and then the transplant process begins again. How did the Liberty Air meeting go?"

"I bailed. The people are such assholes they didn't even want to see Ted or Cynthia but I stuck them with them anyway. You are much more important to me than the account. I love you."

"Love you too," Justin murmured against Brian's shoulder, and as Brian watched him sleep, he hoped that the second transplant was a success.

**Chapter 8**

Brian continued looking at the boards for Liberty Air. He was convinced that he should just drop the account. It had been a week since he had bailed on the meeting, but Ted and Cynthia had managed to seal the deal and convince the reps that Brian had a life outside of them. He was staring into thin air thinking about what to do when his phone rang.

"Brian, I need you," Justin said weakly and breathlessly.

"Justin, what's wrong," Brian asked trying not to show the panic that he was feeling.

"The pain is too much, I need you please hurry."

"Okay baby stay with me and keep talking. Cynthia I have to go now," Brian said grabbing his coat and running out the door.

"Bri.. I love you, "Justin kept mumbling over and over again weaker and more breathless with every word. Brian was driving as fast as he could to the hotel and once he pulled in he ran the steps two at a time up to their room. Justin had seemed well enough to be by himself for a few hours but now Brian was regretting his decision to go to the office.

"Justin," Brian began to panic when he got to the room and found Justin on the floor next to the couch. His skin was pale, his breathing was shallow, and his lips had a bluish tinge, "Justin stay with me, where does it hurt."

"My head and chest," Justin whispered wincing from the pain.

"Okay, baby hold on," but before Brian could finish that sentence Justin began seizing. His body jerked and his lips turned blue, "JUSTIN hold on baby hold on," Brian shouted as he watched his husband go limp.

**Chapter 9**

"Justin, can you hear me. Come on stay with us," Dr Shaffer shouted. Brian had immediately called 911 when Justin started seizing, "Brian you're going to have to sit out in the hallway while we stabilize him."

Brian sat out in the hallway next to the trauma room. He called Jennifer to let her know what was going on and she had said she would be there as soon as possible. He was a nervous wreck and could hear everything going on in the room. He knew that Justin was still having seizures and it terrified him.

"Brian what's going on," Jennifer shouted as she ran to his side.

"He started having seizures," he choked out at about the same time that Dr. Shaffer stepped out of the trauma room.

"Brian, he's finally stable. He had two more seizures since the one in the hotel room and he's highly sedated but he should be okay. He's still not awake but that's from the sedative he was given to stop the seizing. You both can go in and see him, but be gentle and if anything changes let us know immediately. He had a lot of fluid on his chest so we drained it off and I've ordered a spinal tap to see that cause of the seizures. I'm going to admit him for observation and we will go from there."

"Okay thank you," Brian said as he opened the door to the trauma room.

"Brian, I'm going to go call the rest of the family and give you a moment alone," Jennifer said, and as she walked off, he slipped into the room. He almost lost it when he saw his husband. His skin was ashen and pale. He had tubes running all over and he hadn't even noticed how much weight he had lost until now.

"Hey, they said you have to stay in here a few days to recover, but you're going to be okay. Jus, I love you," Brian whispered as he stroked his husband's hand.

"Mr. Kinney, were going to move him into isolation now," a young nurse said as she raised the railings on the bed.

Brian went and took care of signing the last bit of admissions paperwork then made his way up to the isolation floor. He went to the nurses' station, found out which room Justin was in, and then went and gowned out. Once he entered the room, he crawled on the bed and wrapped himself around his husband. He was afraid to know what was going to happen next.

**Chapter 10**

Brian walked the halls until he found himself in the chapel downstairs at the hospital. Jennifer had gone into sit with her son to give Brian some time to get some rest. He had attempted to sleep but when that wasn't successful he ended up there. Justin had been sleeping most of the last 24 hours. Dr Shaffer had been in twice to check on him and he had told Brian that it was normal and to keep talking to him and it would help him come out of the drug state easier and without panic. They had done brain scans that showed his brain activity was normal and the results of the spinal tap were supposed to be in within the day. He was glad that Jennifer had come because he desperately needed to get out, and before he realized what was happening he was on the back row of the church sobbing. He must have sat there for over an hour when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Brian," Debbie asked with concern in her voice.

"What do you want," he asked dryly. He didn't want pity all he wanted was Justin to be healthy.

"Dr. Shaffer wants to talk to you."

"Okay I'll be right there," Brian replied standing up and going to meet with the doctor. Once he was upstairs though the look on the doctor's face spoke volumes of concern.

"Brian, the results from the spinal tap are in and I'm afraid to tell you that the results aren't good."

"What's going to happen," Brian whispered suddenly feeling violently ill.

"Well that's what we need to discuss once he's awake, but the cancer has stopped responding to treatment, and unless we can achieve complete remission before we do the immune suppressants the chances for a successful transplant don't look good."

**Chapter 11**

Brian sat quietly holding Justin's hand. He had asked Dr. Shaffer to give him some time with Justin so that once he woke up they could talk about the options. Dr Shaffer had given Brian a few possibilities but they were all tricky. The first one was to start giving Justin interferon, a drug that would bind with the leukemic cells, and the other option was to increase the dose of the chemotherapy and not allow his body to have any time between cycles. The risks on both were high considering the chances of heart problems and allergic reactions, and there was also an increase risk of infection and bleeding problems.

"Bri, what's wrong, and what happened," Justin asked as he opened his eyes blinking rapidly to the adjusting light.

"You had a seizure, I'm so glad you are awake. I've been worried sick."

"Why are you crying?"

"Rest now, talk later," Brian whispered. He definitely did not want to talk to Justin about the news that Dr. Shaffer had given him.

"Bri, please tell me, you are the one that always told me we would get through this together. Now please tell me what's going on,"

Brian gripped his hand strongly willing his voice to come out of his mouth, "Baby, the cancer stopped responding to treatments, and unless something changes the second transplant probably isn't going to work."

"No, fuck, how," was all Justin could manage to get to come out of his mouth before he started to sob. He didn't understand why. Dr Shaffer had even said that the cancer was responding and now it wasn't. What the fuck was going on in his body?

"Shh baby, Brian soothed, "there are plenty of options and once youre stronger we can discuss them, but for right now please get some rest, and don't forget for better or worse. We'll do this together."

"I know, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck."

"Yeah baby, I know."

**Chapter 12**

"Shh, baby its okay," Brian soothed as he rubbed Justin's neck with a cool cloth as he continued to vomit. A few days after finding out that the cancer was not responding, Justin had decided to try the high dose chemotherapy even though he knew the risks. He had been given an otherwise clean bill of health after the episode with the seizures, and had been sent back to the hotel with a treatment schedule.

"I hate this," Justin sobbed as he leaned back into Brian. He was sick of being sick and he knew that it was only going to get worse.

"I know but you area fighter that's why you decided this, and you know at anytime that you want to stop fighting its ok."

"Brian I love you to much to just die. I cant give up on myself or us. Please just support this decision."

"I'm doing that you know that. I love you with my whole heart and soul."

"Yeah babe I know, can you help me back to bed,"

"Sure baby, I love you." Brian said picking Justin up off the floor and laying him gently on the bed. He kissed him on the forehead and climbed in next to him.

"Bri, thanks for loving me as much as you do."

"Baby, thank you for being my sunshine," and as they slept that night wrapped in one another's arms there was the hope that maybe they would be able to get through it.

**Chapter 13**

Brian unwrapped himself from Justin about two hours later when he woke up. He hadn't been sleeping well since Justin had decided to fight the cancer. He was scared and didn't know how to feel about the decision. He felt vulnerable and helpless when Justin was sick because there was nothing he could do but provide comfort, and even now, the smallest comfort in one another didn't seem enough.

As he looked out at the Pittsburgh skyline and twirled the ring on his left hand memories of the past year came flooding back to him. He remembered the first time they had found out that Justin had cancer. He remembered the treatments and remission then relapse and transplant. The happy and sad times of the past year especially the night they were engaged and the night they got married. Justin was his entire world and he felt like his world was collapsing as Justin got weaker and sicker from fighting the disease. He shivered at the thought of losing Justin.

"Brian, what's wrong," Justin asked walking up behind him and wrapping him in his arms. Brian leaned back into his embrace feeling the warmth of their skin on skin contact.

"Nothing," he lied knowing that Justin knew when he was the most vulnerable by just looking at him.

"I know you're worried about me, but I'm going to be okay."

"Jus, baby, how do you know that? Even the doctor doesn't know."

"Because no matter the outcome health wise I am happiest with you, now please come back to bed." Justin said spinning Brian around and kissing him deeply, "I want you to be close to me," he whispered.

"Are you sure, you've been sick most of the night," Brian asked his voice cracking with emotion.

"Yeah, I'm sure, but lets take it slow" Justin said taking Brian's hands and grabbing the candles as he went. Brian knew exactly what he meant by taking it slow and put on some soft music intending to let their love melt away all the fears.

**Chapter 14**

Don't pretend you're sorry  
I know you're not  
You know you got the power  
To make me weak inside  
And boy you leave me breathless  
But it's ok  
Cuz you are my survival  
Now hear me say I can't imagine  
Life without your love  
And even forever  
Don't seem like long enough

Brian smoothed his hands slowly along Justin's sides and kissed him deeply and passionately. He kissed him slowly allowing their breathing to be synchronized and slow. Brian worshipped his body and moved slowly kissing every inch of skin. Justin kissed Brian deeply allowing their tongues to linger softly on one another's lips. He wanted nothing more than to be close to his husband just to show him how much he was loved and appreciated and to show him that everything was going to be okay with him.

Cuz every time I breathe I take you in  
And my heart beats again  
Baby I can't help it  
You keep me drowning in your love  
And every time I try to rise above  
I'm swept away by love  
Baby I can't help it  
You keep me drowning in your love.

Their breathing was synchronized as they kissed one another's bodies. Justin kissed Brian's inner thigh causing tingles to run up and down his body and as his whole body shivered, Justin pulled him close smashing their lips in another passionate lip lock. They savored the oral sex and the skin on skin contact as their bodies were heated with passion.

Maybe I'm a drifter  
Maybe not  
Cuz I have known the safety  
Of floating freely in your arms  
I don't need another life line  
It's not for me  
Cuz only you can save me  
Oh, can't you see I can't imagine  
Life without your love  
And even forever  
Don't seem like long enough

Brian nuzzled his nose into Justin's neck kissing his neck softly and tenderly as he entered him. He allowed his senses to overtake him and as he breathed in the sweet scent of his husband, he was carried away by passion. Justin moaned softly at the intrusion breathing deeply and as he leaned up to meet Brian's gentle thrusting he kissed his husband deeply allowing the love making to carry him away and decided to face the next wave of treatment one step at a time.

Cuz every time I breathe I take you in  
And my heart beats again  
Baby I can't help it  
You keep me drowning in your love  
And every time I try to rise above  
I'm swept away by love  
Baby I can't help it  
You keep me drowning in your love.

**Chapter 15**

Justin awoke the next morning and untangled himself from Brian's grasp. He felt a little light headed and nauseas but was determined to try to shake it off. He went and put on some coffee and then stumbled to the shower. He really did feel like death warmed over and he knew that it was only going to get worse.

Brian awoke to the smell of coffee making and heard the shower running. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and went to the bathroom. He slid the shower door open and wrapped his arms around Justin.

"How do you feel," Brian whispered as Justin leaned into his embrace.

"Weak and a little nauseas but better than yesterday, when do I have to go to treatment?"

"At noon, and its ten now which gives us two hours."

"Hmm, I like how my husband thinks," Justin said turning around and kissing him deeply.

After finishing their shower and getting dressed, Brian ordered a light breakfast from room service as Justin dozed on the couch. He had been more and more tired as the heavy treatments continued, but Dr. Shaffer had said it was going to be a normal process and not to worry. Once breakfast arrived, they ate in silence then walked over to the clinic.

"Hi Justin and Brian," Tammy one of the young nurses said as they walked into the room.

"Hi Tammy, how's April," Justin asked referring to the young nurses partner as he climbed into the reclining chair and pulled his sweater down at his neckline to expose the tubing that was there to hook the IV into.

"She's good, and if I didn't know better I would think the two of you got it on," she giggled as she hooked the IV line up and Justin blushed brightly.

"Well even though I'm sick we still have needs," he smiled back and gripped Brian's hand tightly then closed his eyes to relax as the life saving chemicals entered his bloodstream.

**Chapter 16**

"Hey Tammy," Brian got up and walked over to the young nurse Justin had fallen asleep during his treatment and Brian wanted to do something special for him, "Was the treatment he got today one of the really strong ones or one of the milder combinations?"

"One of the stronger of the combinations, but it's the one that has been making him really tired and not the one that has been making him really sick so he's probably just going to be really weak and tired and not want to do much."

"Okay, thanks," Brian replied tiredly.

"Yeah his IV is empty whenever you want to wake him. Is there anything I can do for you," Tammy replied seeing the tired lines on Brian's face and the worry in his eyes.

"No, sometimes I just feel like he's going through all of this chemical torture for nothing, how would you feel if April was doing this to stay with you."

"I would just sit and support her just like you do with him, and I know what you are going through, when April and I met we met here and she was one of the patients, but she wasn't under my direct care. We became friends and after she went into remission we hung out and then both realized how much we cared for each other."

"Wow, Tammy I never knew that."

"Yeah, you are the best treatment that Justin could have. Your love for him is what is going to keep him fighting no matter what. I have seen many sick people come in and out of here, and the ones with the strongest support systems are the ones that want to fight harder, and are normally the ones that do fight and survive."

"Thanks, Tammy I needed to hear that sometimes it's so hard and I feel like I'm the only one that is going through all the shit, and it's just beginning to bring me down."

"It's okay anytime," the young woman replied smiling back at Brian as he leaned over and woke Justin. She just hoped that the young man survived because she knew in her heart that Brian would never be complete without Justin.

**Chapter 17**

"Jus, baby are you hungry," Brian whispering rousing Justin from his sleep. He had been sleeping since the treatment, it was now close to dinner, and Brian knew he needed to eat.

"Hmm," Justin stirred meeting Brian's concerned gaze, "can you make some soup. I actually feel like I can eat some of that."

"Yeah, chicken noodle coming up," Brian whispered kissing him on the cheek and walked back out to the kitchenette. He popped open a can of microwave chicken noodle and heated it up then carried it into the bedroom in a mug for Justin, "I know its just Campbell's instant but at least its something."

"Yeah, what time is the appointment with Dr. Shaffer tomorrow?"

"It's at noon so I set the alarm for ten which will give us time to shower and eat a light breakfast."

"Okay, I can't eat anymore I'm feeling light headed and nauseas, but I do think I can watch a movie and curl up with my husband," Justin smiled at Brian.

"Hmm, I have just the pick," Brian smiled as he pulled out the DVD to The Yellow Submarine and popped it in the player. He then proceeded to strip down to his boxers and curl up next to Justin on the bed.

"Brian I love you," Justin whispered as he snuggled closer to Brian.

"Love you too," Brian whispered against his ear as they settled down to watch the movie.

**Chapter 18**

"Jus, time to wake up," Brian purred in Justin ear. The alarm had gone off about an hour before and Brian had gotten up, ordered a light breakfast, and started the coffee.

"Mmmm, my stomach hurts," Justin whispered as he rolled over to face Brian he was dizzy and extremely nauseas. Brian could tell from looking at him that he wasn't going to be able to eat anything and keep it down much less shower on his own so he helped him stand up and guided him to the bathroom and into the shower.

Once they were done showering and dressing, Brian helped Justin into the kitchen and handed him some dry toast with a sprite, "Baby try and eat this before we go see Dr. Shaffer."

"Okay," Justin said weakly as he nibbled on the edge of the bread managing to keep his stomach at bay for the time being.

Once they were done eating, they headed over to the clinic for the appointment with Dr. Shaffer. When the walked into his office they sat on the couch and Justin leaned heavily on Brian and tried not to fall asleep.

"Justin, I can see you aren't feeling well today, is there anything I can do to make you feel better," Dr. Shaffer asked.

"A nice shot of anti nausea medication would be really nice," Justin replied weakly.

"Okay, we will get that taken care of with the nurse just as soon as we talk a bit. I wanted to let you and Brian know that there is no sign of cancer in your system so that's why you have been so weak is that the chemicals have done there job. I want to go ahead and proceed with the cross testing on Molly, but you need to be checked into isolation as soon as possible. You are ready to begin transplant number two."

"How soon," Justin asked knowing that he wanted at least 24 hours alone with Brian before having to move into the room.

"I'll give ya'll the normal 24 hours then I want you back here the next day."

"Okay, and Dr. Shaffer thank you," Brian said smiling.

"You're very welcome."

**Chapter 19**

Brian slid the loft door open. They had twenty-four hours alone and wanted nothing more than to spend the time being close to one another. Justin smiled when he saw what Brian had done. There was soft music playing and candles were lit everywhere. He had made the entire space look just like it had on their wedding night.

"Hope you like it baby," Brian whispered in his ear as he wrapped his arms around Justin from behind leaning his head on his shoulders.

Baby I've been drifting away

Dreaming all day

Of holding you

Touching you

The only thing I want to do

Is be with you

As close to you

As I can be

"It's beautiful thank you," Justin whispered leaning up to meet Brian's lips with a kiss. The kiss was slow and passionate at first and then became heated. Brian swept Justin off his feet moving up the steps to the bedroom. The bed was covered in rose petals and a small basket of massage oils and shower salts sat on the steps next to the bed.

Let's make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I want to feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

Let's make love

"What do you want to do first," Brian asked as he broke the kiss and lay Justin on the bed. He then kissed his way down Justin's neck and shoulders slowly removing his shirt. Justin moaned as Brian's lips and tongue made their way along his skin, and he gasped, "Shower."

Do you know what you do to me

Everything inside of me

Is wanting you

And needing you

I'm so in love with you

Look in my eyes

Let's get lost tonight

In each other

"Okay," Brian said slowly removing Justin's remaining clothing then removed his own clothing and carried Justin into the bathroom. Once they were in the shower they massaged and shampooed one another and kissed every inch of each other's skin. Justin ran his hands slowly along Brian's slick body and gently brushed his cock with his fingertips causing Brian to become hard almost instantaneously. Brian gasped when Justin's mouth engulfed his cock and before long he was shivering with an eye splitting orgasm. They continued the foreplay slowly and passionately under the pounding water, and once the water ran cold they moved out into the bedroom.

Let's make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I want to feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

Let's make love

"Jus, close your eyes," Brian whispered as he continued to kiss his husband. He massaged soothing circles all over Justin's pale frame and whispered words of love. He reached into the basket on the side table and grabbed the bottle of vanilla cinnamon massage oil.

Let's make love

All night long

Until all our strength is gone

Hold on tight

Just let go

I want to feel you in my soul

Until the sun comes up

Oh, until the sun comes up

Let's make love

"Hmm," Justin moaned softly as Brian massaged his stiff and tired body allowing the scent of the oil fill the room. Brian kissed him slowly and passionately allowing their tongues to linger and the kiss to remain tender and long lasting. The fires of passion soon took them however and before long, they were making love. Brian was lightly sucking on Justin's skin and Justin was raising his hips to meet Brian's slow long thrusts, and as they came together, they held one another close never wanting to let go for fear of losing that love.

**Chapter 20**

"Fuck," Justin hissed in pain barely above a whisper as the needle pierced his back.

"Justin baby stay with me I know it hurts," Brian whispered as he rubbed soothing circles on Justin's thighs. They were once again trapped in that small isolation room with no way to touch except through gloves and masks. Justin shut his eyes tightly willing the pain in his back to go away. He hated spinal taps they always gave him the worst headache, and the last time he had had one he had been nauseas for hours. He just kept thinking about the events of the previous evening.

"Okay Justin we're all done. You are probably going to have a headache for awhile so it's best not to stand up for the next hour or so," his isolation nurse Kelly instructed as she gave him some pain meds through the tubing in his chest, "and this should help you sleep."

"Okay thanks," both men said in unison as she stepped out of the room.

"Bri," Justin said barely above a whisper, "will you rub my head?"

"Sure baby," Brian replied as he sat on the bed next to Justin and massaged his forehead and temples.

"Last night was wonderful," Justin said slurred with impending sleep.

"Yeah, shhh baby rest now," Brian whispered.

Later that evening the gang showed up to follow the same visitation schedule that they had had last transplant. Michael came in to Justin's room and found Brian fast asleep in the chair holding Justin's hand.

"Brian, go rest," Michael whispered.

"Okay," Brian mumbled as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "and Mikey if he wakes up please come get me."

As Brian walked out of the room Michael grasped Justin's hand and whispered, "Justin I know you and I never got along at first, but you have made Brian a much better person. He loves you, and I know you love him, so no matter what please fight for him and fight for your life."

**Chapter 21**

"Brian," Justin whispered softly.

"Justin, are you okay," Michael asked.

"I have a headache and I'm nauseas, where's Brian?"

"He went to the family room to sleep, and told me to go get him if you woke up," Michael said as he got up to leave the room.

"Thanks," Justin said as Michael went to get Brian.

As Justin waited for his husband, his thoughts drifted off to the happier times of the marriage. He fingered his wedding ring on the chain around his neck. He wished that he could still wear it on his finger but he had lost so much weight that it kept sliding off but he didn't want to have it sized because once he was well again he would gain the weight back. He wished that he was healthy and was extremely worried about Brian's well being. He didn't want to lose Brian, but most importantly he didn't want Brian to lose him to the cancer.

"Hey baby," Brian said as he walked through the door, Justin could still see the smile in his eyes even though he couldn't see his mouth because of the isolation mask.

"My head really hurts," Justin whispered.

"Shh baby it's okay, I'll get Kelly to give you some Advil."

"Yeah…" his voice trailed off as he began to cough hoarsely. Brian grabbed the basin on the side of the bed and held it under Justin's chin as he began to vomit.

"Better now," Brian asked as he wiped Justin's forehead with a damp cloth.

"Yeah, I totally wasn't expecting that," Justin whispered for fear that if he spoke above a whisper he would begin vomiting again.

"It's okay, migraines will do that," Brian whispered as he rubbed circles on Justin's temples.

"Yeah, Bri, I love you."

"I love you to baby," Brian whispered kissing Justin on the forehead through the surgical mask, and as he watched his husband's eyes flutter shut he prayed that the second transplant was successful.

**Chapter 22**

"Sunshine," Debbie whispered as she walked into his room.

"Hey," Justin said flashing his sunshine smile, "I'm so glad to see you I needed to ask you something."

"What's that baby?"

"How's Brian really doing, I know he is desperately trying to put up a brave front for my benefit and I can tell that he's about to fall apart."

"Yeah he is actually really tired. He sleeps when you do and it's like prying nails out of plywood to get him to leave your side long enough to sleep in a bed. He loves you and is scared of losing you."

"Yeah, I'm scared of him losing me," Justin whispered his breathing ragged with emotion.

"You're strong baby, its going to be okay."

"I hope, and Deb thanks for listening."

"No problem, I'll go get Brian now."

"Thanks."

"Brian," Debbie whispered as she walked into the family room to get Brian and her voice caught in her throat when she saw the man sitting in a ball on the couch his body wracked with sobs. She walked up to him and gently placed her arm around his shoulders, "Brian."

"Why again," Brian asked between gasps for air, "How did you do it Deb?"

She knew exactly what he was asking and just replied, "One day at a time."

"It's just so hard, he's so sick and there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless, and I never thought anyone could make me feel that way. I love him so much."

"You've already done everything he needs. You have supported him and no matter what you have always loved him. He and I talked before I cam in here and he is worried about you and afraid to leave you. He is just as scared as you and its slowly eating away at him."

"Yeah, I know and that's what scares me."

"Brian, you just have to hold him and listen and if you need to be weak lean on him he will appreciate it so much more."

"Yeah Deb I never thought I would have to do that but thanks."

"You're welcome, now go see him," she smiled and as Brian went to hold his husband close Deb just prayed that the couple would survive this.

**Chapter 23**

The days slowly slipped by like fluid. Justin continued to go through the heavy doses of immunosuppressant therapy. He was once again weak and frail, and he had lost so much weight that his features were sunk in, and his skin was so pale that his eyes looked gray instead of blue.

Brian sat by and watched as the chemicals entered Justin's bloodstream. He watched in emotional agony, as Justin was so sick he could barely keep his eyes open but other days he was so antsy that he could barely sit still. The treatments were taking their toll on both men in two completely different ways.

"Bri, come here," Justin whispered to Brian as he stood at the window looking out into the city, "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing," Brian choked out as he was suddenly over come with emotion and felt his eyes start to fill with tears. Justin didn't even say anything as he saw the pain filled expression on his husband's face. He pulled him into a hug and held him close as the tears they had both been holding back for days finally flowed freely. Once the tears subsided both men continued to hold each other grasping for the hope that tomorrow would only bring a brighter happier future.

**Chapter 24**

"Are we better now," Justin whispered as he reached up and wiped the tears from Brian's eyes.

"Yeah," Brian whispered brushing the tears from Justin's eyes. He gazed deeply into them feeling their souls connect without any form of intimate contact. He felt open and vulnerable but knew that it was the best thing for him at that moment, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Justin whispered against his ear as he pulled him close once more.

The next few days went by rather quickly. Both men struggled to maintain their intimacy but managed to remain open and vulnerable. The shared their fears and hopes for the future and Justin continued to go through the first phase of the transplant. He had been hospitalized for almost two weeks when the test results came back and Dr. Shaffer walked into the room.

"Brian and Justin, how are ya'll holding up."

"It would be better if we could kiss," Brian said half-joking and half-serious.

"Yeah but the risk of infection is incredibly high considering Justin immune system is completely knocked out and tomorrow starts phase two. Molly has the aspiration done at 10 am and by noon the transplant should begin."

"Thanks," Brian whispered, and as Dr. Shaffer walked out of the room, he immediately collapsed next to Justin and held him tight knowing that tomorrow was going to be the beginning of an unseen future.

**Chapter 25**

Brian watched the red bone marrow drip slowly into Justin's veins. It had been two hours since Kelly had come in bringing the bone marrow and the infusion was only half way complete. He gently brushed his hand against Justin's forehead. He had been sleeping for most of the morning and had woken up long enough to go to the bathroom and take a shower before Molly was done with surgery, and as soon as the transplant was begun, he was asleep once again.

"Bri," Justin whispered between chattering teeth.

"Hey are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just a little cold."

"Jus, baby your freezing," Brian said as he grabbed another sterile blanket from the closet and wrapped it around his husband.

"I'm so tired, I just needed to know if you were still here."

"Yeah, go back to sleep," Brian whispered sitting down next to him, "I love you."

"Love you too," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered shut as sleep overcame him once more.

Once Justin was asleep once more, Brian continued to sit there and admire his husband's frail body. No matter what Justin went through Brian would always think he was beautiful. He had lost so much weight in the course of the treatment that he was unable to maintain his body heat. He continued to shiver in his sleep so Brian pulled another blanket out and wrapped it around him. The long journey was really beginning to take its toll on his body and it had Brian extremely worried. He knew that this was their last hope and as he watched Justin sleep, he continued to hope and pray that the transplant was successful in saving his baby's life.

**Chapter 26**

"Daddy," Gus squealed running towards Brian and jumping into his arms.

"Hey sonny boy," Brian said hugging his son tightly, "Shh, though okay. You'll wake up Papa."

"Okay Daddy, and shh Mommy Papa's sleeping," he whispered to Lindsay when she walked up behind him and Brian.

Lindsay smiled at her son, "how's Justin doing Brian?"

"He's really weak and tired Jennifer's in with him now."

"Well we weren't going to stay very long. Gus bought Justin a present for Christmas, and he wanted to bring it to the hospital. Do you think its okay for him to go in for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, Justin would be really happy to see him. Gus you have to be really quiet and when Papa gets tired we have to go back outside okay."

"Okay, Daddy," Gus whispered and took his father's hand and walked into the small room. Brian helped Gus put on the gloves and mask then wrapped him the smallest gown he could find. He then dressed out himself, picked Gus up, and walked on into Justin's room.

"Hey, baby Santa told me that you needed to see a little elf," Brian said as he sat Gus down on the floor and hugged Jennifer as she excused herself.

"Hey Papa, do you feel any better," Gus whispered as he walked up to Justin's bed.

"Hey big boy, yeah, now that you're here," Justin whispered reaching out and motioning for Gus to come sit on the bed next to him, "you know that big bug I was telling you they squished well he's back but I'm feeling a little better now."

"Well Papa, I brought you a present," Gus whispered as he reached his little hand into his pocket and pulled out a little tissue wrapped package, "I wrapped it myself."

"Thank you," Justin said fumbling with the paper and ribbon until the package was unwrapped unveiling a charm of silver sneakers. Justin and Brian both looked at it confused for a moment when Gus explained like only a 6 year old could.

"You use shoes to step on bugs, and since the bug is inside you I thought that you could wear the shoes to scare him off."

"Thanks, Gus that is so sweet," Justin said the tears shining in his eyes as he wrapped the little boy in a hug, "Brian can you help me put it on the chain with my rings?"

"Sure baby," Brian said as he undid the clasp and slipped the sneakers on the chain, "Are you tired?"

"Yeah, I need some more medicine too."

"Okay, time to go Gus, Papa needs to rest."

"Bye Papa, I love you," Gus said giving Justin one more hug then he hopped off the bed to follow Brian out of the room.

Once both of them were gone Justin looked down at the sneakers around his neck along with the rings that Brian had given him at their wedding and engagement and said a prayer for God or whoever was listening to let him continue to fight for his life.

**Chapter 27**

Two weeks after Gus' visit, Justin was much stronger. Dr. Shaffer ran some tests, and decided that he was well enough to leave isolation and be moved to a separate part of the hospital for more observations. He and Brian could not have been more thrilled. It was a bright outlook on the future. The bone marrow had engrafted, but Justin would once again have to continue taking the immunosuppressant drugs along with oral antibiotics.

Brian had arrangements made with one of the nurses to give Justin a private room, and when they arrived in the room, there was a note on the table sitting next to a bottle of champagne that read.

Congratulations Justin and Brian!

Love,

The Gang

The men toasted the transplant in silence, then proceeded to kiss one another deeply. When they broke the kiss, Brian pulled an envelope from the side table and handed it to Justin, "I thought you might like this. It's been a difficult couple of months and when I saw this I thought you would like it."

"Thanks babe," Justin said tearing the envelope open and opening the card to find a poem inside that read.

Like the sound of silence calling,

I hear your voice and suddenly

I'm falling, lost in a dream.

Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,

You say those words and my heart stops beating.

I wonder what it means.

What could it be that comes over me?

At times I can't move.

At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me,

The world goes still, so still and silent.

When you say you love me,

For a moment, there's no one else alive.

You're the one I've always thought of.

I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.

You're where I belong.

And when you're with me if I close my eyes,

There are times I swear I feel like I can fly

For a moment in time.

Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,

And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me

The world goes still, so still and silent.

When you say you love me

For a moment there's no one else alive.

And this journey that we're on.

How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.

And when you say you love me,

That's all you have to say.

I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me

The world goes still, so still and silent.

When you say you love me

In that moment I know why I'm alive.

When you say you love me.

When you say you love me.

Do you know how I love you?

"Yes Brian," Justin whispered, "You are my soul. I love you."

"I love you too," Brian whispered as he embraced his husband's lips with another passionate kiss.

**Chapter 28**

Justin continued to recover in the cancer ward at the hospital. He was still weak and tired most of the time, but his blood work was improving and the dosage of the antibiotics had been lowered to where he was regaining more of his strength back.

"Justin, how are you feeling today," Dr. Shaffer asked when he walked in carrying the clipboard with all of Justin's medical charts.

"A lot better, but what do your papers say," Justin asked as he turned around from the window he was looking out.

"Well where is Brian I'm sure he would like to be here when I tell you that I'm kicking you out and you can go home," Dr. Shaffer said with a big smile.

"What did I miss," Brian said as he walked into Justin's room carrying two cups of coffee.

"Oh nothing much," Justin whispered flashing his sunshine smile, "I get to go home."

Brian immediately picked him up and spun him around and then sat him back down, "what all do we have to do," Brian asked.

"Just make sure that you take your drugs everyday and no crowds. You're a lot stronger than you were the last time you went home after your transplant, but still take it easy and I don't want you both to try and run away for a vacation just yet, and Justin don't over exert yourself to much," Dr. Shaffer smirked.

"Yes sir," both men replied grinning at one another devilishly, knowing that going home was going to be vacation enough and that exertion wasn't really going to be that much of a problem.

"So, if I can get a signature on all this paperwork you are free to get out."

"Thanks again."

Later that afternoon once they were all checked out of the hospital, Justin was taking a nap, and Brian was packing all their things from the last few months of hospital and hotel stays. Once Brian was done moving all the stuff he awoke Justin long enough for him to go to the car. Once they were in the car Brian looked over and couldn't help but smile at his sleeping husband. He was still pale and needed to gain a lot of weight back from the treatment, but he was cancer free. Cancer free, Justin had beaten the odds for a second time in a row, and now as a celebration, they could go home and enjoy their love of one another.

**FUCK NOT AGAIN**

**Chapter 1**

"Daddy, stop it."

"Brian, you are so going to…," Justin began to say before he doubled over in laughter at the sight of his husband kneeling on the bed tickling their daughter.

Justin and Brian had been together for twelve years, and had been married for eight. Their relationship had stood the test of many trials, and now that most of those trials were behind them, things had begun to look up. They celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary by adopting Alexis, and had continued living life to the fullest. Alex was three when they adopted her and now she was six the age Gus had been when Justin was going through his second bone marrow transplant. Brian had been in remission for 8 years and Justin had been in remission for six. There were still the yearly office checkups with blood work but there was no longer a constant fear of recurrence even though it was still possible.

"What were you going to say Sunshine, That I am going to spoil her," Brian asked tucking her in and kissing her on the forehead.

"Yup, right Alex," Justin whispered kissing his daughter on the cheek.

"Yeah, Papa. I love you," she whispered as her eyes began to flutter shut.

"Love you to baby girl," both men whispered as they closed her door for the night.

"Brian can you believe that she is six," Justin asked as he was brushing his teeth to get ready for bed.

"Yup, and Gus is twelve, they grow up so fast," Brian whispered as he ran his hand along Justin's smooth pale skin causing his husband to moan softly.

"Hmm, that feels good, ahh," Justin moaned as Brian continued to rub his already stiffening cock allowing the pre cum to form before he swept Justin off his feet and carried him to their bedroom. He gently laid him down on the duvet as he captured his lips in a kiss. Brian continued to lick and suck his way down Justin's throat and chest and stomach until he was met with his cock. Brian completely took it in his mouth only long enough to lube him and then proceeded to rim his hole preparing his husband for love making.

"You taste so good," Brian moaned against Justin as he raised his face to capture Justin's lips with another kiss.

"You too. Now please fuck me," Justin whispered against Brian's ear as he heard the lube cap pop open.

"Fucking is overrated. I want to savor you tonight, my love," Brian whispered as he slowly entered Justin.

"Ahh," was all Justin managed to get out of his mouth before he was in the throws of hot passionate love making, as he slipped further and further into oblivion he thought about his lover, his husband and how wonderful they were in love, their daughter sleeping in the next room, and the fact that they were still alive. They both could not have been happier, and as they held onto one another as they came together, the world could not have been more perfect or was it?

**Chapter 2**

The sound of water running awoke Justin from his sleep. He must have been sleeping so soundly that he didn't hear the alarm go off. He felt weak and listless but shook it off as mild exhaustion and stumbled into the bathroom.

"Hey, did you turn the alarm off," Brian asked from the shower.

"No, I thought it had already gone off," Justin said as he pulled the shower open and wrapped his arms around Brian kissing him deeply on the lips, "Good Morning."

"Hmmm, Good Morning, I woke up about 30 minutes ago and couldn't go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you."

"That's ok, more time for this," Justin mumbled as he kissed his husband one more time. When they broke for air Justin asked, "Did you go check on Alex?"

"Yeah, she was still asleep, I'll go help her get dressed before I leave for the office, and give you the morning off. You look exhausted."

"I am, but after last night I should be," Justin grinned remembering the lovemaking and all the times that Brian's tongue was running over his body.

"True," Brian smirked, "I love you."

"Love you too."

The men finished their shower quickly then got dressed. Brian went and woke Alex and got her dressed and ready for school while Justin made breakfast. He was dead on his feet, and glad that Brian had said he would help Alex get ready for school before he left. Putting in all the long hours in his studio to get ready for his next showing had been really tiring and he guessed that it was catching up to him.

"Do you want me to take you to school this morning," Brian asked Alex as he walked into the kitchen carrying her on his hip listening to her idle chatter.

"Yeah daddy, please," Alex practically begged.

"Sure thing," Brian said as he walked up behind Justin hugging him and kissing him on the cheek before he poured himself a cup of coffee, "Now hurry up and eat breakfast so we aren't late."

"Ok," she said as she bit into a forkful of pancakes.

Once Alex was done eating Brian helped her wash her hands and made sure she had everything for school. Once she had everything in her hands she kissed her papa on the cheek and ran out the door.

"Hey, call Molly and see if she wants to baby-sit tonight. You look beat and we could go to dinner somewhere nice then come back here to be alone."

"Okay, sure will," Justin said kissing Brian one more time before he walked out the door. Now he just wished he could shake that overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and weakness.

**Chapter 3**

"Jus," Brian called as he walked into the back door by the kitchen. Once they had decided that they were going to adopt Alex they had decided to buy a house that way their three year old would have enough room to run around and play. The house was two blocks from Melanie's and Lindsey's that way when Gus wanted to he could walk to his daddies house and when Alex wanted she could go see her brother. When Brian had pulled into the garage, he noticed that Justin's Envoy was there. He walked into the studio office where he dropped his things and then went to their bedroom to change. Justin was curled in the center of the bed fast asleep. Brian walked over and brushed his hand against his forehead kissing him gently causing him to stir. "Shhh, go back to sleep, I'll be downstairs," Brian whispered, and Justin just nodded and closed his eyes once again.

Brian had no idea how long Justin had been asleep, and he had an hour until Alex had to be picked up from school. He decided to go ahead and call Jennifer and Molly and ask them if they could pick up her up from school and keep her for the evening that way that they could have an evening at home alone with one another. Once that was taken care of Brian ordered takeout then went back into the studio office to take care of some last minute business until the take out came in.

Once the takeout was delivered, Brian walked back upstairs with plates, forks, and food in hand. He walked quietly into the bedroom, spread a blanket out on the floor, and lit some candles around the room. Once he was done preparing the picnic, he ran a bath and proceeded to wake Justin. He ran his tongue gently along Justin's ear whispering words of love and Justin immediately began to stir as his eyes fluttered opening meeting Brian's hazel gaze.

"Hey, sorry I slept so long, I've just been so busy," Justin said as he leaned up kissing Brian deeply after he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Hmm, you're feeling ok aren't you," Brian asked. He still got nervous sometimes remembering how Justin was tired during the cancer.

"Yeah, I'm better now," Justin said, "now let's eat before it gets cold."

The men shared dinner on the floor feeding each other and just enjoying each other's company. Their kissing became heated and before long they were both naked. They moved into the bathroom, Justin grabbed a jar of massage oil and began to lube his hands, and massaged Brian's shoulders, neck, and back. Brian felt all the tension of the day smooth away under Justin's hands and soon was stepping into the bathtub pulling his husband along with him. They made love slowly and passionately both enjoying the sensation of the heated water against their heated skin, and once the water was cold they moved into the bedroom. They continued to make love until the early hours of the morning, and as Brian held Justin as they were drifting off to sleep, he couldn't help but wonder if Justin's sudden tiredness was something more serious.

**Chapter 4**

"Alex, be really quiet okay, Daddy is in the office working," Justin said as he parked the Envoy in the garage and unbuckled Alex's seatbelt.

"Ok, Papa," Alex said as she hopped out of the car.

"And Alex…don't slam the door," Justin trailed off as he heard the backdoor slam shut. He was still feeling weak and exhausted and he stifled a yawn as he pulled the groceries out of the back of the Envoy. Brian was standing in the kitchen when he walked in the back door and took the bags from him.

"Hey, our daughter is something else. Did she show you the drawings she did in school," Brian asked as he stepped aside to display the three new pictures hanging on the fridge.

"Yeah," Justin mumbled as he finished putting the groceries in the pantry. He barely had enough energy to walk much less think clearly and he had the beginnings of a headache.

"Jus, are you okay," Brian asked him as he spun him around and placed a hand on his forehead, "you look really pale."

"I think I'm coming down with something. Nothing serious though no worries," Justin said smiling weakly at Brian.

"Okay, now go lay down in the studio, I'll meet you in there in a minute. I'm going to go see what our little terror is up to upstairs," Brian smiled playfully and smacked Justin on the butt as he walked out.

After Brian was done seeing if Alex needed any help finishing her homework, he left her to play and went back to the office. Justin was lying on the gray sectional sofa covered in the plaid throw. The rhythm of his breathing was deep and even, he was a lot paler than normal with a grayish cast under his eyes, and when Brian's gaze trailed the length of his body he noticed that he was shivering slightly, so Brian grabbed another throw and covered his husband once more. He kissed him on the forehead and settled back at the computer.

"Daddy," Alex shrieked as she ran into the office.

"Shh, Papa's sleeping, what's up munchkin," Brian asked as he scooped her onto his lap.

"Why does Papa have no hair," Alex asked as she pulled out a picture from when Justin was going through chemo. It was Brian and Justin sitting on the couch at Lindsay and Melanie's house a couple of weeks after Justin had been sent home. Gus was sitting on the couch on their laps and grinning from ear to ear. The memories that came with that picture were very vivid to Brian.

"Where did you get that," Brian asked trying not to show how emotional it made him.

"Gus, he said it was a happy day, and that Papa was smiling because even though he had no hair the big bug was gone. What was the big bug? Is Papa sick?"

"He was a long time ago before we adopted you. But the big bug is gone and, he lost all his hair because the medicine they gave him makes that happen."

"Oh ok, I'm glad he has hair and he's not sick anymore."

"Me too munchkin, me too," Brian said smiling glancing over at his husband hoping that the tiredness was just the flu and not the cancer again.

**Chapter 5**

Brian placed his hand on Justin's forehead. It had been a few hours since Alex and he had gotten home from the grocery store, and Brian could tell that he was still exhausted and not feeling well when he had fallen asleep on the couch in the study. He had let Justin sleep while Alex finished up her homework and once she was done he made her a quick dinner then sent her upstairs to watch Sponge Bob reruns.

"Hey, Baby," Brian whispered. He hated to wake Justin but he knew he was running fever and needed to eat something before he went back to sleep.

"Yeah," Justin sat up slightly disoriented and shivering.

"Take these, you have a fever," Brian said handing him two Advil and a bottle of water.

"Yeah, I feel like shit. I think I might be anemic to considering how tired I am. Dr. Shaffer always told me that I could have low iron."

"Yeah, I'm about to go put Alex to bed. Are you hungry?"

"Just a little bit, but I'll grab a sandwich or something and come on upstairs."

Once Brian stepped out of the room, Justin stood up. He was dizzy and nauseas but did not want to lead Brian on that he was feeling so poorly. He stumbled into the kitchen and made himself some toast and then went up to their bedroom. He was once again asleep before Brian even came back from putting Alex to bed.

A few hours later Justin awoke in a cold sweat, the nausea was worse and he knew he was still running fever. He went to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub willing the nausea to pass. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and before long he was vomiting.

"Jus," Brian asked as he knelt down next to his husband and brushed his hair away from his face. He had noticed his pale flushed skin and the dark circles under his eyes for a few days, and suspected that he might have the flu so the vomiting was no surprise, "Better now."

Justin just shook his head as another wave of nausea washed over him. As he continued to vomit, Brian rubbed circles on his back and said comforting words. A few more moments passed and Justin slumped against him weakly and whispered, "Thanks."

"No problem baby, now lets get you back to bed," Brian said helping him off the floor and back into the bedroom. Once he had Justin settled he grabbed the trashcan and also went to get some sprite and crackers from downstairs. When he came back Justin was in between sleep and he managed to get him to drink some soda before he drifted all the way back off.

When Brian awoke a few hours later to check Justin's temperature that's when he noticed that Justin was a lot paler and there were some small areas of bruising on his arms and thighs. He brushed it off as hard work in the studio, after all it had been 6 years.

**Chapter 6**

"Daddy, Papa, wake up," Alex shouted as she ran into their bedroom and jumped in the center of the bed.

"Alex, turn around and go knock, you know the rules," Brian said as he picked her up off the bed and sat her back on the floor. He waited until she was out the door before he slid out from under the duvet and grabbed some sweatpants. He had just finished sliding them on when he heard her tiny rapping and told her she could come in.

"Okay," Brian called out as he pulled the duvet further around Justin as he began to stir. He was still feeling nauseas and light headed so as soon as the light hit his eyes he closed them once again to will the nausea to go away.

"Daddy, I'm hungry," Alex said as she jumped on the bed one more time. She was so full of energy, "Papa, wake up."

"Hmmm," Justin mumbled opening his eyes once again to meet his daughter's blue eyed gaze, "what are you hungry for baby girl?"

"Pancakes."

"Ok, well what do you say we go see Grandma Deb at the diner and get some pancakes, but let Papa stay here and sleep."

"But I want Papa to go," Alex said in full pout mode.

"But…," Brian began as Justin cut him off.

"It's okay I'm feeling better, but I do need a shower."

"Okay Alex go get dressed and we'll come get you when we are ready," Brian said as he picked her up and sat her on the floor and sent her to get dressed.

"Okay Daddy," she cried as she ran out of their room.

"She's so full of energy," Brian said as threw the duvet cover off of himself and stood up.

"Yeah," Justin said as he climbed out of bed. He was still feeling weak and stumbled a bit when he stood up.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I've been asleep the better part of twenty four hours and I really want to spend some time with her."

"Are you sure you were vomiting half the night and I saw the bruises. I'm just a little concerned. I'd rather you stay here and rest than go out and risk getting sicker."

"Brian I said I'm fine," Justin snapped as he walked into the bathroom he had a headache that was only getting worse but he really just wanted to be close to his husband and daughter, "It's been six years."

"Yeah, I know, I just want you to be around for me and Alex. I'm sorry if I worry."

"I know, its okay," Justin said as he slipped under the hot steam of the shower with Brian right behind him, and as their lips locked in a heated kiss Justin privately wished that the horrible fear would go away.

**Chapter 7**

"Grandma Deb," Alex shrieked as she walked into the diner.

"Hey girlie," Deb smiled at Alex as she grabbed the girl and smothered her in a bear hug, "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Pancakes."

"Okay, pancakes it is, and for your daddies," Deb said smiling at the two men.

"Dry toast, and my usual," Brian said.

"Coming right up," Deb said.

The men made their way over to the usual booth where Michael and Ben were already sitting, and Ben motioned for them to join them, "How are you guys?"

"Busy with work," Brian replied as he picked up Alex and helped her slide into the booth then slid in next to her allowing Justin the outside seat.

"Tired," Justin replied. He didn't want to let on that he was sick because he knew the minute that Deb found out she would be trying to choke him with some kind of soup preferably her Fucking Chicken Soup. About that time, Deb came out carrying their food. Justin helped Alex cut up her pancakes into small bites and then slid the plate over to her. He then picked up a slice of the toast and slid Brian his plate.

"We are going to take Jenny ice skating this afternoon Alex, do you want to come," Ben asked. The girls always played together and sometimes they would even gang up on Gus.

"Yay," Alex shouted.

"What time do we need to have her ready to go," Brian asked.

"We can just take her now. It's almost time to go pick up Jenny so once she's done eating then we can go."

Alex quickly finished her pancakes and practically climbed over Justin to jump out of the booth. By this time, Justin was still feeling nauseas and dizzy so he stood up after kissing his daughter, told her to have fun, and motioned for Brian to hurry up. Brian took one look at him, noticed how pale he had become, and threw some money on the table then they said their goodbyes to Debbie then walked out the door.

Once they were back in the jeep, Justin slumped against the passenger door. His nausea was only getting worse and he was praying that he would make it home because he knew he was going to vomit.

Brian looked over at him and brushed his hand across his forehead, "still nauseas baby?"

"Yeah," he whispered just about that time they pulled into their driveway.

Brian had pulled the jeep into the garage, and he parked and walked around to help Justin out. When Justin stood up the nausea overtook him and he was soon kneeling next to the outdoor trashcan emptying his stomach once again. When he was feeling a bit better Brian carried him to their bathroom, helped him undress, and drew him a warm bath. Once he had helped Justin into the bathtub, he undressed and climbed in himself. He sat behind Justin and lovingly sponged warm water over his husband's aching body, "are you feeling any better now," Brian asked.

"Yeah a bit, I was thinking and it's probably a good idea for me to go to the doctor. I don't think it's just the flu, because if it was I would already be feeling better or at least not be as bruised. I think I'll call Dr. Connor in the morning and go in and let him check me out," Justin said finally allowing a little of his fear to escape him.

**Chapter 8**

Justin and Brian sat in silence in the exam room in Dr. Connor's office. Justin was lying on the exam table with his eyes closed facing the ceiling. He had woken up that morning with a migraine and all the light was only making his head hurt worse. The nausea he had been experiencing was a little better however, his body was aching and he had more bruising on his legs and arms. Brian sat next to him rubbing his temples to help ease his pain.

"Justin, Brian what seems to be the problem today," Dr. Connor asked when he walked into the room.

"I've been really tired and nauseas. I also have had a migraine all morning, but the biggest concern that I have is that I am have a lot of unexplainable bruises. Last time I went in to see Dr. Shaffer all my blood work was normal and the marrow looked great, so I'm not too concerned with a reoccurrence there but I think I might be anemic and have the flu."

"Okay, I can see the bruises, and the migraine is most likely being caused from the fever that you are running. I want to go ahead and run some blood tests to check your counts and I will prescribe you some anti-nausea medicine. So let me go get the script, and then I need you to go down the hall to the lab to have the tech get some blood."

"Okay, how many days will the workup take," Brian asked. He always hated the waiting.

"Well, most likely a week, and if I see any unexplainable problems then I am going to forward the results to Dr. Shaffer and have him call you."

"Okay, that sounds good," Justin said as he slowly stood up.

Once Dr. Connor came back with his prescription and a bag of sample medication, the men went down the hall to the lab. The nurse took four vials of blood, and then they went home to wait.

**Chapter 9**

"No, no, no," Justin mumbled in his sleep. He had been restless since the trip to Dr. Connor's office and he kept having dreams about the news that he was going to get from the doctor. "what about Alex and Brian?"

"Shh," Brian said as he awoke slightly to Justin's mumbling. He rolled over and caressed his back and shoulders, then pulled him close. His skin was cool to the touch and the sheets on his side of the bed were soaked with sweat, which was a relief to Brian because that meant his fever had finally broken, "it's okay baby, shh."

"Brian," Justin whispered as he woke and moved closer to his husband, "I'm scared. You know that if those test results come back showing that all these flu like symptoms and bruising is a relapse after six years that there is nothing they are going to be able to do."

"Shh, baby I know, I know," Brian said as he cradled his husband.

"It's just that after six years you would think that the fear would go away and not return, and what are we going to tell Alex if it's the cancer? She's still so young and innocent, and I don't want to be the one that takes that all away. I don't want her to lose her Papa."

"Yeah, but I don't want to think like that. We have to be positive and it's even more important to stay positive for her."

"Yeah, you know that it's going to be hardest on her. Brian I can't die. I just can't I fought too hard twice and I can't," Justin's voice caught in his throat, "I just want the pain and fear to go away."

"Then let me help," Brian whispered gently as he ran his hand up to Justin's face and leaned in and kissed him deeply.

The kiss soon became more heated and passionate. Their tongues entwined in one another's mouths battling for more. Brian broke the kiss first as he moved his way down towards Justin's neck nibbling the tender flesh of his ear and jaw. Justin moaned as the fear was replaced with pleasure. His whole body felt heated as Brian caressed his bare skin with his tender touch and wet tongue.

"Hmm, Brian," Justin moaned as his husband continued the slow torture if pleasure. He felt cool and damp as Brian continued his way down the length of his body nibbling and sucking every inch of skin. Brian soon embraced his cock with his lips and before long waves of ecstasy coursed through his body and his fear melted away.

The next day was incredibly trying. Brian had taken the day off from the office and was working at home and Justin was trying to paint and remain calm, but the waiting was only making him more nervous. He finally had decided that the best thing to do was sleep since he was tired anyway and trying to draw or paint his fear had been unsuccessful. It wasn't to late into the afternoon when the phone rang, and Brian went and answered it hoping that it was only a lab tech saying everything was all clear. Instead the voice on the other end of the line was all to familiar, and his heart almost skipped a beat when he heard, "Hi Brian, it's Dr. Shaffer, there seems to be a problem with Justin's blood work."

**Chapter 10**

Brian hung the phone up in silence. He felt numb and sick at the same time. The words the doctor had spoken were still ringing in his ears, and he had no idea how to break the news to Justin. His eyes were burning with unshed tears, but he knew he had to be strong, now more than ever, not only for Justin but also for Alex.

"Brian," Justin said when his husband walked back into the study. The ringing phone had woken him, and he was still lying on the couch waiting for Brian to get back to the office from answering the call. Brian avoided looking at Justin, which was the first sign that something was seriously wrong, "Brian please look at me."

Brian turned and his eyes met Justin's. His eyes were swollen and puffy with unshed tears, and his hazel eyes had taken on a bluish green cast due to the redness of his eyes. Justin immediately knew who had been on the other end of the line. He continued to stare at Brian for a few more moments then he went upstairs. Brian took a few moments to gain his composure then followed his husband.

"Jus, please say something," Brian whispered as he reached over and brushed the hair from his husband's face.

"Brian, please just leave me alone for awhile okay. I have a lot of things I need to think about."

"Okay, I'll be downstairs if you need anything," Brian said as he walked back out to the office.

Once Brian was back in the office he completely broke down. The whole conversation with Dr. Shaffer had been nerve racking, and no matter how much he tried to erase it, the moment kept playing over in his mind.

"_Hi Brian, it's Dr. Shaffer, there seems to be a problem with Justin's blood work."_

"_What kind of problem."_

"_Well it seems that his bone marrow is failing. That is the cause for the flu like symptoms and anemia. It also explains the vomiting, headaches, and dizziness. His white count is extremely elevated and there is a detection of blast cells. I want him to come in for a bone marrow aspiration to make sure, but Brian it doesn't look good. In fact, I'm almost a hundred percent sure that this is a recurrence."_

"_I thought that after six years he was considered cured, how did this happen?"_

"_Sometimes it does, and unfortunately there is not much that can be done except slow the progression of the disease because after having two bone marrow transplants the body is unable to go through high dose therapy again. It is just not safe, however there are options that you and Justin have been made well aware of and I don't want hope to be given up on."_

"_Yeah, I know. We will be in tomorrow for the aspiration. Thanks."_

Once he had regained his composure, he walked back upstairs to check on Justin. He hadn't realized how long it had been, and he needed to make sure he was okay before going to pick up Alex from school. When he walked in Justin was asleep on the bed, and his cheeks were stained with tears. Brian gently caressed his cheek and kissed him on the forehead before he left the room. All they could do know was hope for a miracle.

**Chapter 11**

When Justin awoke he was incredibly disoriented. All he remembered from earlier in the day was the phone call from Dr. Shaffer, and Brian's reaction. He hadn't even heard the news because he could just look at it written all over Brian's face. Once his eyes adjusted to the light he looked out the window and realized it was already dark. He heard noises coming from downstairs and he knew that Brian was probably making dinner for himself and Alex. He still wasn't ready to face the inevitable, so he curled back into a ball and before long he was asleep once again.

"Jus, Jus," Brian whispered. He was concerned with how much Justin had been sleeping even though he knew it was a combination of tiredness and frustration from getting the news earlier in the day, "Jus, baby wake up."

"Hmm," Justin mumbled and rolled over to meet his husband's concerned gaze, "Brian please just leave me alone."

"I know you want to be alone, but I brought you some soup. I at least thought you should eat."

"I'm not hungry; in fact I'm not much of anything, but thanks." Justin said dryly. He knew his words were cutting Brian to the core and he felt horrible, but all he knew at that moment was that he wanted someone to hurt as much as he was hurting. He turned his back to his husband, and closed his eyes.

"It's already after nine, and I have some stuff to take care of. Alex is with Gus tonight when I picked her up she wanted to go see her big brother and Lindsay said she could spend the night and they would take her to school. You know where I'll be, and baby, please eat something" Brian said then slid off the bed and went downstairs.

Once he heard Brian leave the room, he rolled over and sat up. He figured he might as well try to eat something. He hated that he was ignoring Brian, but he did not want him to see him upset. In fact, it was more of the fact that he was angry. He was angry at medicine, the doctors, his body, hell he was even mad at the damn world. He finished the soup and then walked downstairs to face Brian and the future.

**Chapter 12**

Two more weeks passed since the phone call had come through concerning Justin's blood work. He and Brian had gone in for the bone marrow testing and discussed the options that they were being faced with, and they decided that for the time being that Justin would take iron and chemo orally, and he would be prescribed medication to combat the bone pain.

Justin was sitting in front of the light table sketching furiously. In front of him was a picture of Alex and Brian. He had been the one behind the camera, and it was one of his favorite pictures of the two of them, and he had been meaning to do a painting of the photo, but instead he decided to do a charcoal sketch instead. He had been really determined to do the drawing by hand also with no help from the computer so he worked on it in fifteen minute blocks then allowed his hand to rest, but with the pain from the cancer it was taking longer and longer. His hand soon began to tremble, and waves of pain radiated from his fingers along his arm up to his shoulder.

"Fuck," Justin shouted in frustration. He hated what was happening to him, and as he watched his hand tremble, something inside him snapped. About that time, Brian walked into the studio.

"Hey, how are you feeling," Brian asked. He was determined to make sure Justin was as comfortable as possible.

"How the fuck do you think I feel," Justin sneered. His voice was full of hatred and anger, and the tone took Brian slightly off guard, "I can't even fucking draw without being in severe pain."

"Baby…," Brian's voice trailed off when Justin interrupted him.

"Don't baby me, Brian. Just leave me alone I need to deal with this on my own please," Justin almost sobbed.

"Okay, you know where I'll be," Brian said and walked out of the room. He hated to see Justin so angry, and he hated it even more when the anger was directed at him. He knew that Justin was having a lot to deal with this time around and the biggest thing was that there was really nothing that could be done except slow the progress of the disease. He hated to see Justin in pain, and he knew it was only going to get worse.

About that time, he was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a loud crash come from the studio, and he ran in to check on Justin. Once in the doorway the scene that played before him was almost slow motion. Justin was throwing his brushes and art supplies all over the studio. His sketchbooks were scattered all over the floor, and his easel was lying across the floor.

"JUSTIN," Brian practically shouted over the slamming and banging that was going on throughout the room. He walked in and grabbed him around the waist in order to calm him down, "Justin talk to me please."

"No, I said to leave me alone Brian. Let go of me."

"Justin, you are only going to regret it more if you destroy everything. Stop it," Brian said trying to remain calm.

"There's no point. There's too much pain, and I want it to go away, and this is what causes a lot of it. I can't take it," Justin said his voice lowering in volume as he went limp in Brian's hold as he began to sob. "I just want it to go away. It hurts so much."

"Shh, it'll be okay, hold on," Brian said releasing his grip on Justin, he went and grabbed the pain medication along with a bottle of water. His hand shook as he gave Justin the pain injection and helped him drink some of the water, and once the pain subsided slightly he carried him up the stairs to their bedroom and laid him on their bed, "better now?"

"Yeah," Justin said weakly as his eyes fluttered shut.

Brian lay next to his husband for a few moments massaging his hand and arm until the tenseness went away, and he was deep in sleep before he slid off the bed and returned downstairs. Once Brian returned downstairs, he slumped on the couch. He knew that things were only going to get worse, and he felt powerless to fix it.

**Chapter 13**

"Papa, Papa," Alex called out as she walked in the back door of the house.

It had been a month since Justin's news of recurrence and he and Brian had decided to wait as long as possible to tell the kids. They had had a family meeting to discuss what was going on, and they had been supportive of their decision and were very willing to help in anyway possible.

"Hey, baby girl," Justin said as he walked into the kitchen to meet her.

"Look what I made at school," Alex said as she handed him a piece of art paper.

"Wow, it's beautiful," he said as he looked at the picture that Alex had drawn of herself and her daddies, "go put it on the fridge while I make you a snack."

"Okay," Alex said as she put the picture on the fridge and then ran upstairs.

Once Justin was sure that Alex was out of view, he grabbed the bottle of pain medicine and a bottle of water. He had not only been taking the prescribed injections, but he was also self-medicating with Advil. It helped numb the physical and emotional pain that he was feeling. Once he had taken the medication, he finished making Alex's snack and called her back downstairs. Once she had finished eating her snack he helped her with her reading homework then let her go play.

"Jus, Alex, I'm home," Brian called out when he came through the door later that evening, "and I brought dinner."

"Daddy," Alex shouted as she ran down the stairs and practically flew into Brian's arms.

"Where's Papa," Brian asked as he picked her up and gave her a hug.

"Right here, what's for dinner," Justin said coming up behind Brian and Alex.

"Chinese, let's eat," Brian said grabbing plates and sliding them on the table.

The men ate in relative silence as they listened to their daughter chatter about all that she had done in school. Ever since Dr. Shaffer had given them the diagnosis, Justin had been shutting Brian out. He was closed off and would barely even speak, and when he did, it was a simple I love you without much emotion. Brian was desperate to help Justin, but he also knew he had to allow Justin to open up in his own time because he knew he was still grieving, and he only hoped that that time was going to be soon.

**Chapter 14**

Brian walked into the bedroom shedding his suit coat as he walked over to the closet. It had been two months since Justin had started the chemo and his pain seemed to be getting better however, he was still not opening up. When Brian turned around to get a shirt out of the dresser, he noticed the bottle of prescription painkillers sitting next to Justin's injection kit. Brian suddenly had a sick feeling in his stomach as he began to realize why Justin was pushing him away. About the time, Justin walked out of the bathroom.

"Jus, what are these," Brian asked holding up the bottle.

"They help numb the pain."

"How many are you taking?"

"The amount on the bottle, now let it go," Justin said pushing past Brian and going downstairs.

Brian snapped. He dumped the bottle out on the dresser and counted the number of pills according to the date on the bottle, and his suspicions were immediately confirmed. He stormed down the stairs after Justin.

"JUSTIN, I know you are lying to me. I counted the number of pills in the bottle, why in the hell are you doing this to yourself," Brian questioned.

"How dare you, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BUSINESS."

"You are my husband, and what you are doing is my business. Why are you doing this to yourself," Brian said trying to calm his voice as he reached out and grabbed Justin by the arm.

"I TOLD YOU IT MAKES THE PAIN STOP! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, PLEASE." Justin screamed pulling his arm away from Brian's grip, but not fast, enough before Brian grabbed him around the waist

"Not this time Sunshine, you have been pushing me away for two months, and all I want to do is help you please just let me help you."

"NO, NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL HELP, BRIAN. NOTHING," Justin continued to shout as he kicked and punched Brian repeatedly with all the anger that he felt, "BRIAN LET ME GO."

"No way in hell, not until you calm down, and if you don't stop kicking and swinging your arms around you are only going to hurt worse later, please stop."

"NO," Justin shouted managing to wriggle free from Brian's grip, but before he could get two steps from Brian, Brian grabbed him again and this time he held him in a bear hug grip and forced him to look him in the eyes, "STOP."

"Look me in the eyes, I LOVE YOU. Now please just let me help you," Brian pleaded, "Please let me love you."

"Why should I," Justin said his voice hoarse from the screaming.

"Because I said till death parts us, and I mean it," Brian whispered, and at that point, both men held each other as their hearts melted together in tears.

**Chapter 15**

"Aahh," Justin cried out as the waves of orgasm coursed through his body as Brian came inside him. Brian slowly ran his hands along Justin's warm skin and wiped the sweat from his forehead as he kissed him deeply.

After the argument in the kitchen, they had made their way upstairs to talk, but before anything could be said, they had ended up making love. Their reconciliation was just beginning, and it was going to be a long and painful process. Justin flinched against Brian's touch, which signaled that it was time for him to have another shot. Brian knew that the medication was the only way that Justin was going to be pain free, but he also knew that it was only going to get worse as the cancer wrecked havoc on his body.

"Hey baby, are you hurting," he whispered as he slid out of his husband.

"Yeah I could use a shot," Justin sighed, and Brian slowly slid off the bed, and grabbed the injection kit. He measured out the amount of pain medication, and then made his way back to the bed where he gave Justin the injection. He held him close until he has drifted off, and once he was certain that Justin was going to be asleep awhile he pulled on his clothes, and made his way downstairs to arrange for a babysitter because he knew that they needed to have a serious discussion when Justin woke.

**Chapter 16**

Justin woke from his sleep in a cold sweat. The sheets were soaked all the way through and he was shivering with the cold. His arms and legs ached from the fight, and he had a mild headache. He went ahead and moved slowly toward the shower, and once he was done got dressed and went downstairs. He found Brian sitting on the couch watching an old James Dean movie, and reading a printout off the computer.

"Hey, what are you reading," Justin whispered as he sat next to him on the couch.

"Treatment options for terminal cancer," Brian whispered as he pulled him into his arms, "we really need to talk about what's going on?"

"What's to talk about, Brian? We have to face the facts that I am going to die, and there is no kind of treatment or bone marrow transplant that can fix it this time. We just need to move on and figure out how we are going to tell Alex."

"We aren't going to tell Alex right now. She won't understand what's going on, and there is plenty to talk about. I know there is no treatment or bone marrow transplant option, but there are ways to manage the symptoms and that's what we need to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about pain management. I think I have that under control," Justin snapped. He knew he was going to dig in deep with Brian, but he couldn't help it he just knew that the injections and the oral pain medicine helped numb his entire system.

"No, I know you were abusing oral pain medication, and Jus that's not the way to handle the emotional pain, I'm hurting too, to think that I am going to lose you hurts me so much," Brian whispered his voice thick with emotion.

"When I think about dying all I can think about is that I am going to be leaving you and Alex behind, and that hurts me so much. It's so much worse than the physical pain," Justin whispered as he leaned back as Brian wrapped his arms around him tighter, "I love you."

"I love you too. It's going to be okay," Brian whispered against his ear as he kissed him lightly and thought to himself that he was going to do anything possible for this to not happen to his husband.

**Chapter 17**

Brian awoke with a jolt, he had the strangest dream, and felt slightly disoriented. He looked over at the clock and realized it was already two in the morning, and that he and Justin had fallen asleep on the couch while they were watching the movie. He gently shook Justin awake, and helped him up the stairs. Once in their bedroom, Brian helped him undress, gave him another injection, and joined him in bed. He awoke a few hours later and as he rolled over he noticed that Justin's skin was flushed and he was shivering slightly. He slid out of bed, grabbed the thermometer, and clicked it on.

"Jus, I know you're tired, baby but I need to take your temperature," Brian whispered causing him to stir enough that Brian was able to slip the thermometer in his ear.

"Brian, I'm okay, just hot," Justin mumbled.

"You have fever, and we need to go to the emergency room," Brian whispered as he started putting on his clothes. He was trying not to panic, but knew that something was seriously wrong because the fever was spiking close to 104.

"Brian, just give me some Advil. It's four in the morning and all I want to do is sleep, and Dr. Shaffer said this was normal," Justin said in a low whisper. His breathing was also shallow and raspy.

"Yeah, but the fever that is normal is anywhere between 99 and 100 and this one is close to 104. You might have an infection or be having a reaction to one of the medicines you are taking. Can we please just go," Brian said as he helped him put on sweats and a t-shirt before he could protest anymore.

As soon as Brian finished helping Justin get dressed, he wrapped him in the throw from their bed, grabbed a pillow, and carried him out to the Envoy. Justin was drifting in and out of sleep the whole ride to the hospital, and as soon as they got there he was in a significant amount of pain, and the chills were so bad and he was shaking so violently that Brian could feel his muscles shaking as he held his husband.

"Justin Taylor-Kinney," a young nurse called after about thirty minutes of waiting.

"Yeah," Brian called out helping Justin stand up, and walk toward the treatment rooms.

"Sir," the young nurse said, "you can't come back here, only spouses or parents are allowed."

"I am his spouse," Brian said with a stone-faced glare.

"I'm sorry sir, unless you have your power of attorney papers with you that say you can make his medical decisions you are not allowed in the back."

"Brian, aren't your papers in your wallet," Justin asked. They had been through this once before when he had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night for an allergic reaction.

"Fuck, I ran out of the house so fast that I didn't grab anything but you and the keys," Brian swore, "I'll call Michael and tell him to go get them. Ma'am is there anyway that I can go back with him, until the paperwork gets here."

"No I'm sorry sir, but it's hospital policy."

"Brian, go call Michael, it won't take him but twenty minutes to run to the house and grab the wallet, and get here. I will be okay until then."

"Okay, but you better have someone come tell me what's going on."

"I will sir, now please let me help your partner," she said reaching around Justin and helping him off to the back, and as they walked off Brian hoped he would be able to get up with Michael.

**Chapter 18**

"Uhh, hello," Ben answered sleepily.

"Ben, it's Brian, I know it's late. I had to bring Justin to the ER and I was in such a hurry to get him here that I ran off and left our POA's at the house. I need you or Michael to go and grab them because they won't let me back until I have the forms," Brian said as he tried to remain calm.

"Okay, where are the forms at the house, and where is Alex?"

"Mikey knows where all the stuff is and Alex stayed at Linds and Mel's. No one else knows what's going on and I would really like it to stay that way because the fewer people that are up here until we know what's going on the better."

"Yeah, we will be there as soon as possible."

"Okay, thanks," Brian sighed as he shut his phone and turned around to walk back inside. Once inside the young nurse that had helped Justin to the back before he had gone outside met him.

"Mr. Kinney, I just wanted to let you know what all was going on. We are going to go ahead and do some blood work on your partner, and we are also going to start him on IV fluids. He's extremely dehydrated and in a significant amount of pain so we are going to increase his pain medication and try to lower his fever. Doctor Shaffer has been paged as well, and wants to come and do a spinal tap as soon as you have the papers to come back. Justin wanted to know if you had gotten up with your friends yet to bring them here."

"Tell him yes that they are their way here now."

"Okay, I will," she said flashing him a smile as she walked back to help Justin.

After about fifteen more minutes of waiting, Michael came walking into the ER holding a file folder with Ben hot on his heels. He paused for a moment when he saw Brian sitting on the bench in the hallway. The scene was all to strikingly similar to the past incidents of Justin's illness. Michael slowly approached Brian and handed him the papers.

"How is he," Ben asked when he walked up to them.

"I don't know much right now. He was running a fever so I thought I should bring him in. The nurse just told me that he was extremely dehydrated and that they are giving him fluids. Dr. Shaffer ordered a spinal tap, but wants to wait until I'm present to perform it, so other than that that's all I know."

"Okay, is there anything that we can do," Michael asked.

"Let Mel and Linds know what's going on that way they can help with Alex for the next few days, and I will go ahead and call everyone else once I know what's going on. Thanks for bringing up the forms."

"No problem, we will here from you tomorrow," Michael said standing up to go with Ben back home, "if you need anything let someone know."

"Okay, Mikey I know."

As soon as the Michael and Ben left, Brian found the proper forms, went, and handed them to the nurse at the gate. She looked them over, and within five minutes, Brian was back by Justin's side.

**Chapter 19**

Brian walked slowly towards the room where Justin was. The site that greeted him made his heart cringe. There were tubes running into Justin from every possible angle. He had two separate IV bags hanging on the stand, and he was being given oxygen. His face was flushed and his whole body shook with feverish chills. Brian sat down in the chair that was next to the bed, and brushed the hair from Justin's forehead and kissed him gently.

"Hey, they finally let you in," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered open.

"Yeah, go back to sleep, I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you too," Brian said kissing him once more time as Justin drifted back into his feverish sleep.

Brian dosed in the chair waking periodically when he heard a nurse or doctor stirring around checking Justin's vitals and IV. He awoke a third time when he felt and hand on his shoulder and a gentle voice whispering.

"Mr. Kinney, Mr. Kinney. The doctor wants to go ahead and do the spinal tap on your partner now," the young nurse that had been helping them the whole time whispered.

"Okay, I'll wake him up and let him know. He hasn't been sleeping very long," Brian said as more of a question than a statement.

"No not at all, its only been about an hour since he was brought in, and you have been dosing off and on, but for not more than fifteen minutes, because I have been checking his vitals every five minutes."

"Damn it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. Okay, which doctor is performing the spinal tap?"

"Dr. Shaffer wanted to do it personally considering Justin's health, and he wanted to speak to you about some other options that are out there since he last talked to both of you."

"Thanks," Brian replied as he gently caressed his husband's sleeping frame. Now he just hoped that the new options were going to be a treatment plan to help Justin beat the cancer.

**Chapter 20**

"Justin if you feel any kind of pain at all other than the pressure from the needle please let me know because I don't want to jerk you around," Dr. Shaffer called out as he began the procedures to perform the spinal tap. Brian stood next to the bed holding Justin's shoulders to prevent him from moving and whispered soothing words in his ear. Quiet tears spilled down Justin's cheeks as he felt that severe pressure that came from doing the spinal, "Okay we are done."

"Okay," Brian replied as he loosened his grip on Justin's shoulders and helped him roll onto his stomach, "Baby, are you okay."

"Yeah," Justin choked out, "Can you get me some Advil when you come back, and turn out the lights on your way out. I can already feel the dull ache."

"Yeah," Brian said brushing a kiss on his forehead and walking out the door behind Dr. Shaffer. Once out the door he asked the doctor, "you had mentioned something about options, and what is wrong with him now?"

"Well, it looks like he has spinal meningitis because of the high fever, and body aches, but then it could also be a really bad case of the flu. Since he has a compromised immune system it could be just about anything."

"Damnit, our daughter had a stomach virus a week ago that started out with a really high fever, and he insisted on taking care of her," Brian practically shouted. He had insisted that Justin not get around her with her being sick, but he had told him that no matter how sick he was he needed to be there for their daughter when she needed him.

"Well that is a really good possibility. I also wanted to talk to you about a new experimental treatment program. A new drug is being tested in Europe for patients that have had a recurrence after more than one bone marrow transplant. I heard about it the other day and immediately thought about Justin, because the primary candidates for the study are young men and women in their early to mid thirties."

"How long would we have to go to Europe?"

"Well it's a six month study, and if the drug treatment is successful they will approve it for FDA use which means he could continue treatment in the US after that, and the sooner he is enrolled in the study the better, because it only has seventeen available slots and they are almost all full. So there is not much time to decide, but I will go ahead and put in a recommendation."

"Thank you, I better get back in there with Justin, and we will definitely consider doing that. Thank you," Brian said and the quietly walked back to Justin's room.

"Hey, what did the doctor want," Justin asked when Brian walked in.

"Just to tell me about a new treatment option, and that you might have meningitis, or that stomach thing that Alex had."

"Yeah, not the smartest thing to take care of her when I knew that I could get it a lot easier, so what did he say about treatments?"

"How would you feel about moving to Europe for six months?"

**Chapter 21**

"Europe, Brian? What about Alex," Justin whispered. He could feel the throbbing beginning at the base of his neck and he closed his eyes.

"Yeah, there is an experimental treatment that is being tested over there for men and women in their early to mid thirties, and Dr. Shaffer seems to think you would qualify for the program, and Alex could live with Mel and Linds until we get back. I know they wouldn't mind," Brian whispered back running his hand through Justin's hair and to the base of his neck where he began rubbing soothing circles.

"I'll think about it, but right now I just need to rest. The light is beginning to hurt my eyes and I'm nauseas," Justin whispered as his eyes fluttered shut.

"Okay," Brian whispered as he continued to rub soothing circles on his back and neck. A few hours later Dr. Shaffer came back to Justin's room with the test results.

"He's all clear for all the heavy duty viruses, no meningitis, or pneumonia. He probably has the early stages of the stomach virus that your daughter had, but as I was saying earlier, it is going to be worse on his system since his immune system is compromised. I'm going to go ahead and admit him, at least overnight that way we can keep him hydrated, and monitor him for any signs of other infections.

"Thanks, is there anything else we can do."

"Just wait it out because unfortunately it is a virus, and there is really nothing we can give him because the antiviral medication reacts with the pain meds, and could make things a lot more difficult, and I'll also start him on an anti nausea medication."

"Thanks," Brian whispered as he sat back allowing his eyes close for a few moments of precious sleep, and he also thanked whoever was listening that Justin was going to be okay for the moment.

Chapter** 22**

"Justin, she can live with Mel and Linds or your mom and Molly," Brian stated firmly as he helped Justin into the jeep. Dr. Shaffer had decided to go ahead and discharge him after keeping him overnight for observation, and had wanted him to go rest, and highly consider the treatment options.

"Brian, how is she going to handle us being gone for six months? She's five, and she doesn't even know that I'm really sick all she knows is that Papa had to go to the hospital because he had a tummy ache and fever. How are we going to explain to her that we have to leave her for six months?"

"We just have to tell her that you are really sick, we can explain it to her like we did with Gus when he was little. She might understand the big bug analogy, and Gus and Jenny will help her at school."

"Yeah, I just really hate that we have to leave her and go all the way to Belgium for this treatment. I wish the fucking FDA would just allow certain drugs in cancer treatment to have studies performed in the US."

"Yeah, we will make it baby."

"Yeah, I just have to do some more thinking about what all of this means, and honestly Brian I still feel like shit and I just want to get home and sleep in our bed, and give it some more thought once I'm feeling better."

"Okay, I'm going to go ahead and go get your pain medication and anti nausea drugs dropped off and then we will go ahead and go home and get you in bed."

"Thanks," Justin said laying his head against the cool glass as the nausea washed over him, and as he drifted off, he thought that maybe Belgium wouldn't be that bad of an idea.

**Chapter 23**

Brian was pale and tense, and he could feel the migraine beginning at the base of his skull as he sat next to Justin stroking his head as he drifted off to sleep. The last few days had been extremely turbulent on their family. The final decision had been made concerning the experimental treatment a few days after Justin had come home from the hospital, and Jennifer had agreed that she and Molly would take Alex in until Brian and Justin came back from Belgium. Alex hadn't had a very difficult time understanding what was going on with Justin, but there had been many tears shed when they had left to fly to Belgium, and Brian was still thinking about the conversation that he had had with Alex.

"_Alex, I need to talk to you," Brian called out to his daughter._

"_Yeah, Daddy"_

"_Papa, is really sick," Brian said taking her onto his lap._

"_Is the big bug back, Daddy. Gus told me that the big bug always makes Papa throw up and puts him in the hospital, and Papa was sick and in the hospital."_

"_Yeah baby girl, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Papa needs to go see a doctor far away, and we need you to be a big girl and stay here with Grandma Jen, and the rest of the family. Can you be a big girl and do that for us."_

"_Yeah, Daddy, when are ya'll going to come home?"  
_

"_A long time from now sweetie, but I'll try and come visit when Papa isn't so sick okay?"_

"_Okay."_

As he replayed that conversation over in his mind, he was also glad that Justin was finally asleep because the last few days had been torturous on his body. The flight to Belgium had been extremely turbulent, and Justin had been in pain most of the time, and the first thing that the doctors wanted to do was put a catheter in Justin's chest much like the one that they had removed shortly after his final bone marrow transplant. That required that he be taken into surgery; however, he began running fever during the operation. The doctors suspected that he was having an allergic reaction to the anesthetic and painkiller so he was taken off the pain medication, which caused the pain to return full force. Brian continued to soothe Justin as he moaned softly in his sleep, and as Brian finally drifted into a fitful sleep himself, he just prayed that something would hurry and ease his husband's pain.

**Chapter 24**

"Mr. Kinney," a young doctor in her early to mid thirties said, "I'm Dr. Linda Fey, and I'm in charge of the test group that Justin is in."

"Nice to meet you," Brian said stifling a yawn, "please call me Brian."

"Okay, Brian, I just wanted to explain to you about the treatment that Justin is going to go through. There is going to be three steps to the process. A chemical induction much like normal chemo, then the interferon transfusions will take place in order for the weakened cancer cells to bind with the interferon, and then finally a radiation phase that will knock out any remaining cancer cells."

"But he's already done all of this though, how is it going to be any different than the transplants and treatment he's already suffered through?"

"Well what our hope is that after the radiation treatment is completed there will be no existence of any cancerous cells, and in order to replenish the blood supply at the end of the treatments we will give him a transfusion of stem cells."

"So this is stem cell research that is being performed," Brian questioned. He knew that the drug treatment was going to be different but they performed trial studies in the US all the time. When Dr. Shaffer had told him that they were going to have to go overseas for a treatment program, he should have known it was something to that effect.

"Yeah, embryonic and cord blood stem cell research," Dr. Fey said smiling.

**Chapter 25**

"We are aware that your husband has had two previous bone marrow transplants that used his sister's bone marrow, however sometimes the best option in fighting leukemia is to look at the marrow of the sick patient more carefully," Dr. Fey explained as she and Brian stepped into the hallway.

"I'm confused at what you mean, Dr. Shaffer said that his marrow was too weak to be used in a transplant of his own, and now you are telling me that that is what you are going to do."

"Well not exactly, Dr. Shaffer meant that the bone marrow that Justin is producing is too weak to save his life had the original two transplants failed when he was still at a weak phase after the treatment. What is going to be done now is that Justin is going to have a harvesting operation on some of his current bone marrow. Once this is procedure is done, we will focus high amounts of radiation onto the sample killing all the leukemia cells then embryonic stem cells will be injected into the sample allowing new healthy white cells and red blood cells to be formed. We will then use this sample to be the test subject on Justin, and we will do the same procedure throughout his body."

"How sick is this going to make him, and how much pain is he going to be in," Brian asked genuinely concerned for Justin's well being.

"Pretty nauseas and in a significant amount of pain, however we administer painkillers through a central line throughout the whole procedure, and until the high dose chemotherapy begins we encourage our patients and their spouses to remain as intimate as they feel is acceptable in the hospital environment. In fact, we encourage our patients to have sex because it releases endorphins and brings the pain level down significantly more than the painkillers will. Once Justin is recovered from the surgery, he will be moved to our testing facility on the top floor, which is apartment style rooms with a couch, kitchenette, small living area, and bedroom. The nurses will come in everyday, and take his vitals and administer medication, but once again we highly encourage that the routine remain the same."

"Interesting, but thanks," Brian said once again stifling a yawn, "I am going to go ahead and try to get some rest. Thanks for your information."

"You're welcome Brian," Dr. Fey replied as she walked back down the hall.

"Brian where did you go," Justin whispered when Brian walked back in.

"I had to go talk to your doctor, Dr. Fey. She is really strange, and so is the whole idea behind this treatment," Brian said as he stripped to his underwear and climbed in bed with Justin spooning him close against his body. "She said that they are going to harvest your bone marrow and then do the same thing you have already done, but the only difference is that after you go through the high dose chemo treatment your bone marrow is going to be replaced with the bone marrow that was harvested and that stem cells have been injected into. They also have apartments on the upper floor of the hospital that they are going to have us move into, and they encourage more sex."

"What the fuck is that all about," Justin whispered as he drifted in and out fighting to stay awake.

"I don't know baby, but I am determined to find out. We should just sleep now, and I will find out more tomorrow," Brian whispered as he drifted off into a light fitful sleep listening to the sound of Justin's quiet breathing.

**Chapter 26**

"Justin, baby," Brian whispered causing Justin to stir slightly.

"Yeah," Justin whispered as he turned over to meet Brian's tired gaze with his own.

"Yeah, how are you feeling?"

"Still weak, and I hurt all over, I can't wait for the interferon treatments to end. I think I hate the pain worse than the endless vomiting. At least then I can sleep without waking up in agony."

"Yeah, do you feel up to talking to Alex?"

"Yeah, it will probably make me feel better to talk to her. While I call mom's can you get me a bottle of water?"

"Yeah," Brian said as he walked in to the kitchenette.

Once Brian was outside of the bedroom Justin reached over and picked up the phone. His hands were trembling, and his joints were hurting. He had been sick the last few times that Brian had called and hadn't spoken to Alex for a few weeks, and he was hoping that he wouldn't get a lot of questions that he couldn't answer. He quickly dialed the number, and slouched back against the pillows.

"Hello," Jennifer answered cheerfully.

"Mom, is Alex there," Justin whispered.

"Justin, baby, how are you feeling? You sound like you are in pain," Jennifer asked.

"Is it that obvious," Justin whispered put out by the fact that his voice was giving him away. He was beginning to get frustrated and was rather quickly beginning to regret with the whole idea of them getting on a plane and coming to Belgium, "I just really want to talk to Alex."

"She's at Mel and Linds, spending the night with the other kids. I'll let you go call her, and Justin sweetheart, I love you."

"I love you to Mom," Justin replied then he placed the phone back on its cradle just as Brian was walking back into the room with a bottle of Advil and two separate bottles of water.

"That was fast, I'm guessing she didn't want to talk."

"No, mom said she was spending the night at Mel and Lindsay's, I was going to call over there but was waiting for you to get back that way you could talk to Gus also."

"Thanks," Brian replied as he sat back down on the edge of the bed and sat the Advil and water on the nightstand. He noticed that Justin was shaking, and could barely pick up the phone much less dial all the numbers, "Here let me help," he said gently taking the phone from Justin's grip.

"Thanks," Justin said taking the phone from Brian once the number was dialed.

"Hello," Melanie answered.

"Mel, is Alex there," Justin whispered.

"Justin, yeah she is how are you feeling," Mel asked as she walked into the kitchen and tapped Alex on the shoulder and motioned for her.

"Good, just tired," Justin whispered.

"Well I'm glad, I love you and take care of yourself. Here she is."

"Thanks, Alex?"

"PAPA," Alex shrieked, "do you want to know what I did in school today?"

"Sure baby girl, did you paint?"

"No, we had show and tell, and we talked about our parents."

"What did you tell them about your parents?"

"Just that I lived with my Grandma Jen because my Papa and Daddy had to go far away so that the big bug that didn't like Papa would go away."

"Did they ask questions," Justin asked as he began to shake even more, and he desperately needed some of his pain medication before he tried to go back to sleep.

"They asked about the bug and I told them that it makes you really sick, but when you get to come home after the bug is gone you will be better and we can go play at the zoo and I also told them that we like to paint Daddy together."

"Yeah, I want to be able to do that again soon, but baby girl I need to go sleep now though so I can get better."

"Okay, I love you Papa."

"Love you to baby girl, here's Daddy," Justin said slouching back against his pillow as he handed Brian the phone.

"Hey…," Brian's voice trailed off as Justin's thoughts wondered to his daughter. He thought about how much of her young life he was missing by being halfway around the world undergoing experimental cancer treatment. Most parents would be going to conferences and worrying about behavior not whether or not they were going to live to see their child's next birthday. He snapped back to reality from Brian asking, "Jus, you okay?"

"Brian, make love to me," he whispered, "I need to know I'm alive, and I need the physical and emotional pain to go away."

"Are you sure, all these research doctors encourage sex there are probably cameras hiding all over the place," Brian whispered.

"Since when has Brian Kinney been modest?"

"True, I love you baby," Brian said kissing Justin deeply plunging his tongue into his husband's mouth.

"Love you too." Justin whispered as he began to kiss Brian back and make his pain melt away.

**Chapter 27**

Justin's gaze followed the muscular curves of Brian's sleeping frame. His breathing was deep and even and Justin smiled when he heard the slight wheeze that was so uniquely Brian. He kissed him gently on the shoulder then untangled himself from Brian's grasp. He stood and stretched his aching joints. He glanced at the clock as he walked by and noticed that it was only four in the morning. He switched on the lamp that led into the hallway between the bedroom and living area, and quietly walked into the bathroom. Lately due to all the pain he was experiencing during the day, he was sleeping all the time, and Brian was keeping strange hours taking care of him, and working on the Kinnetik campaigns while the office was still open in Pittsburgh, so he slept late into the morning, and Justin would often watch him sleep.

Once in the bathroom, he grabbed his interferon kit, and prepared the catheter that was in his chest for the shot. Supposedly, the interferon injections were binding with any cancer cells that were spread throughout the body, and would cause them to clump together allowing more to die at a time along with radiation and chemotherapy. The doctors had told him that the best way to tell the medication was working was that there would be chronic pain, and sure enough they were right. He flinched as the medication hit the muscles in his chest, and he choked back the bile that came with the intense pain that followed. Once he had breathed through most of the pain, he slipped on some sweats and went back to the bedroom.

Brian's eyes met his when he walked back in, "Couldn't sleep?"

"Yeah, it's from sleeping all day. I'm okay, and I just gave myself a shot. Go back to sleep," Justin said placing a kiss on his lips, and switching the hall lamp off as he went into the living area.

Once Justin walked into the living room, he grabbed a sketchpad, and began feverishly sketching the image of Brian that had formed there from earlier. Lately the only time that Brian looked at peace was when he was asleep, and Justin desperately wanted to capture that peace on paper. As he continued to sketch Brian images of all the wonderful events in their marriage flashed through his mind, and before long the peace came over him as well, and he fell asleep.

The next morning Brian awoke to find Justin asleep on the couch, and his sketchpad was lying open next to him. When Brian picked it up to close it, he noticed the sketches. There were sketches of him, and Alex. Justin had sketched images from their trip to Canada when they had gotten married, and even sketches of the day they had brought Alex home from the adoption agency. The most striking image though was the intertwined Claddagh rings. Brian closed the sketchpad, gently picked up his husband, and carried him into the bedroom.

"Bri, I love you." Justin mumbled sleepily.

"I love you too, Sunshine," Brian whispered.

**Chapter 28**

"Justin, I love you," Brian whispered as the tears ran down his cheeks, and he rubbed his fingers over the Claddaugh ring that he wore on his left hand, and then once again over the fine shiny marble.

It had been one year since they had come home from Europe, and it had also been one year since Justin's cancer treatments had failed. Justin had been healthy for about two months, and then his health had slowly begun to fade. The treatments had been unsuccessful, and as his last request Brian had brought him home. Those first days home had been rough, but they lived life to the fullest.

They made the most of the time they had together, and did as much as possible, and once Justin's pain was intolerable to keep him from going out Brian made sure that he was able to be comfortable enough to enjoy time with Alex at home. The last six months had been the most difficult on Alex, but she had followed through on her last promise to her Papa, and that was to help take care of her Daddy once Papa went to heaven.

Justin passed away two weeks before their eighth wedding anniversary held tightly in Brian's embrace with Alex asleep next to him. The funeral had been a week after that since his request had been to be cremated, and it was crowded with the many people that his life had touched.

Since then Brian had been slowly pulling himself together. He walked downstairs to pick up the office from the earlier games he had been playing with Alex, and when he was putting the games on the shelf, he slipped the sketchpad that Justin had taken to Belgium off the shelf, and out fell the letter. He picked it up, went back upstairs and once he was settled he slipped it from the envelope and tears began to pool in his eyes as he read:

_Dear Brian,_

_I know that right now things seem like they are tough, and I want you to know before I begin telling you that I love you. We knew going into the six month trip to Europe that most likely it would not be successful, but I was willing to try to do that in order to have a few more precious days with you and Alex. Please let her know how much I loved her, and help her and hold her close when you are missing me._

_I know that it is going to be even harder now that I'm gone, but please get on with life, and don't mourn for me forever. You were the second half of my soul for 12 years, and I want you to remember that always. _

_You are my forever love Brian Kinney._

_Till we meet again,_

_Sunshine_

Brian wiped the tears from his eyes, and quietly whispered to the wind, "'till we meet again Justin, 'till we meet again."


End file.
